Friends!?

How do you know when your friends are real? How do you know when they aren't just feeling sorry for you and that's why they put up with you? How do you know they arn't just there for what they can get from you? and how do you not push your friends away with all your fears and paranoia and distrust?

It sure seems the more stable i feel on a regular basis the worst the flash backs are and the worse my paranoia gets. i wonder why people are my friends. what do they get out of being friends with someone who's moods still swing quite a bit and who seems to forever need them.

with all that i need and get from those who say they are my friends what do they get from it? why are they willing to deal with me? i am just a person nothing special about me i am more of a nuisance then anything else so why deal with that? is there a name for a type of person that puts themselves threw what i do? how do i trust again?

i don't know. the only thing i know right now is that there are at least 2 people i know i can call friend but i have no clue why. and how do you ask someone "why are you my friend?" that puts them on the spot and you not really going to get a truthful answer.

i have so much on my plate right now i think i am going to burst. i might be losing my home again due to housing management bullshit. but hey at least this time i have a car i can live in.. a lot warmer then last time when i had nothing. i just have to get threw February that's when a lot of things should be done or started that i have been waiting for for years...i guess with everything so close its just hard to wait.