Annoyances

Always getting preached at about saving money while everyone else does whatever they want to with theirs.

Feeling like I have to do ass kissing apologies for having a bad day or because I had the nerve to not only let something bother me but to say it to the person who helped to cause it.

Everyone blaming my Meds or lack thereof for my bad moods when what happens is that without some of my Meds my ability to put up with shit decreases. My pain pills for example leave me in a state where almost nothing registers on my give a shit scale. Guess what???? It sucks when you don't even have the energy to not let ppl walk all over you.

Though I seem to register an emotional maturity level of someone in their early 20s does not in anyway mean ppl have the right to treat me like a child.

I swear I willing to give up one of my internal organs to have a chance to show everyone what it feels like to brave a few hrs with your head up your ass because of medications. And to be treated like a 5 year old and told what u are allowed to do. I am so fed up with ppl talking to me like my IQ and shoe size are the same. Despite the medications I can always tell when I am being talked down to. And for the record the last time I went threw an evaluation the doctor said my IQ is 104. So while I am not a genius I am not in anyway stupid.

I have to go threw another eval in a few months after some sessions with the shrink to see if I am going to be allowed to live on my own. I mainly have to prove that I am capable of taking my Meds responsibly and that I am not going to fall back into a "I feel fine so I am not going to take the Meds anymore" fit which I use to do consistently when I was younger.

Time Travel

All the blood sweat tears and
Money out into the science of time travel and u found its secret for free.

I hit my Pandora's play Button on the 80s alternative station. And with almost every song every scent, sound, taste even sights other senses came together and I was 16-25 years old again. Every song had a "where I was the first time I heard it" memory. Then came all the memories where I hearing the song and it branded into my head.

The first time I heard and saw hungry like the wolf my best friend sandy and I were having a sleep over at my house. We saw it on solid gold dancers. And the best part of Fridays was we got to watch Friday night videos. It was the closest thing to MTV I ever had but it hour or so of my week. I never did get to have cable in my house before MTV went commercial. I swore for months about that.

I haven't really listened to music in close to 7 years now. Before that starting circa 2003 I knew the music because of all the time I spent in bars. I stopped because I couldn't handle the depth to which I sunk emotionally when the songs I shared with ex came on. It also happened with new songs that I connected with.

I know that music is suppose to do things like that but with the stupid bipolar I couldn't react without over reacting. So to protect my stability I cut myself off. I have too little is as bad as too much even when it comes to music.

I stopped taking my pain pills going on 3 weeks now. It's not overly comfortable BUT my head is a lot clearer. Just last week I realized just how much I have wasted. It's no wonder I am stuck in the past. It's all that has happened to me.

Once I gave living up so that I could live in someone else's shadow I ceased to exist. When I did this I gave up the person I wanted to be. The places I wanted to go and the goals I had to create a life that was about me as much as it was about everyone else.

I remembered back to the last time I felt good about my appearance. Where I felt safe in my own company and everyone else's opinion wasn't with crap. That time was circa 92-95. The only reason I remember is because uninstalled windows 95 for some very dear friends. Any who lol

It was during my Goth "phase". I have never been more content and happy then I was then. It was stupid of me to give up the parts I enjoyed just to keep my ex. If who I wasn't good enough I should have just walked.

I never lost my love for the music, the art, the immeasurably talent that flows threw this community. But I gave up most of my clothes, stopped dying my hair and want allowed to go white face anymore. I know ppl most Lille think its a minor thing that shouldn't have effected me but for me my way of dressing meant as much to me as it does for a catholic nun to wear her habit.

I was checking out photos on a friends Facebook. The same ppl who were my friends so many years ago and who introduced me to the Gothic community. I realized as I looked that I was damnably envious. As they never had to change their core and they had each other to share it with to keep it real and alive.

I dusted off my 20 something self who got set on a shelf and as she and I get reacquainted I have discovered I have also regained my determination, my need to really live my life. Hell I turned on Pandora and started walking the other day. I went almost 2 miles zoning on the sounds. Last year I couldn't even make .3 miles. Not a typo only .30 miles.

I promised myself that my second 40 was going to be better do far so good but I am really excited that I can go back to dressing in my best eclectic look and once again enjoying all the wonderful offerings of the Gothic community.

Oh side note. Way back when I was given the name of Onyx Rose. Not only do I still use it I have a number of friends who only know me by that name and can't be bothered to deal with my legal name and I think it's the most wonderful feeling in the world to me.

To my Gothic friend who knows I am talking about him and his lady when he gets around to reading this..... I Ammmm baaaaccckk lol.