You think I would want to write when I am in a good mood as well and occasionally the news is so good I will write about it but I guess in the cases I just don't have anyone close that can understand what I am going threw and just let me ramble. Thus the name of this blog.
Its been over 5 years now that I have been playing house with a friend of mine, defined as friend with benefits. That is a bit of a time so I am told. Well this friend has found another partner only its dating no just...well benefits. She is in another county and I think shes an awesome person. It was how it was handled. Among all the other bits and pieces of me that have fallen or are falling apart I don't do change well if its done to fast. So my world got turned upside down, all of a sudden I am sleeping alone and we are sleeping different times and he sits on the computer all day talking to her and giggling. Its annoying to say the least. I happen to like company myself once in a while.
Its not the new relationship that bothers me. hell if someone can be happy more power to the. this is a pretty shitty world we live in. Its the onset of the panic and anxiety that hes going to leave. Nothing to do with love or sex but everything to do with his being my caretaker. I have no backup. I don't know anyone well enough anymore to let them care for me. This is also the first time I have lived with males this long and not been abused or put down..you know the drill...and its been the best point of my life so far. So I guess its not bad but its not good ether as it puts me on an edge. If i have no one to care for me I end up in an institution. And that scares the shit out of me.
Sometimes I just want to throw all my meds down the toilet and go back to being oblivious of everything going on around me. But as I found out growing up ignorance is not bliss. Though you would think it could be. At some point the light shines in and the ignorance is burned away and all your left with is 3rd degree burns on 90% of your body praying for death but at the same time fighting to keep your life. I have quit smoking...3 years now. I don't drink but a small glass every couple of months if that. i have had to give up milk for Soy. I have had to give up sugar, salt, I am up to about 10 meds now. I feel so much like my grandmother Id like to jump off a bridge at times. Just this month I get to see, the sleep specialist for apnea, Oral surgeon to take out the rest of my teeth (stay away from mtn dew) an ophthalmologist (eye doctor) two reasons here 1) my sight is starting to go and 2) with the new diagnosis of diabetes type 2 requires a check for cataracts,I also have to go have a bone density test as well as go to the neurologist(for the damage when i got hit by the minivan) and I have to see a new counselor and next month i get a complete psych eval. Gee I wonder why I am stressed out and cant handle massive quick change at the moment. And YES I am whining. I know I will live threw all of it and maybe in the end I might have even got a couple issues fixed but right now it feels like i got the world on my shoulders and my rock has gone off to make goo goo eyes at some one from the Netherlands (she is very pretty though so he does have some taste lol)
I think I got guilt gifts though lol. He picked up all the gym stuff that i need/want to start doing my physical therapy and try losing weight, I got a great 3 tier bookshelf which all my books fit in which is really awesome. and we got 2 of those 3x2 metal milk crate deals (i guess the plastic ones from the hoods and broth bros arnt in fashion anymore lol) I try to understand ppl around me their situations and what it must be like to have to deal with mental case like me...I don't get most of it especially than hanging around part. He took care of me for 2 years before I could even get him paid, he took off with me to another state without hesitating. That is a lot for a "friend" to do I would think. But hey who am I to try to figure out what makes ppl tick when I just finding out what makes me tick.
Well this is a long one so I guess I should pretty much shut up now. Some times it just feels good to talk and no offense do you guys out there but some things are just meant to be talked about with the same gender. I am sure you guys have a few topics you don't talk about in mixed company as well. But as the only female friends I have are all online or in Vermont and across the country I don't get a chance to just have girl chat so sometimes I do the chatting here. "shrugs" it works and working things are good. well its 4:45am and i doubt i will sleep much today but if your reading this have a good Sunday. bye bye
Its been over 5 years now that I have been playing house with a friend of mine, defined as friend with benefits. That is a bit of a time so I am told. Well this friend has found another partner only its dating no just...well benefits. She is in another county and I think shes an awesome person. It was how it was handled. Among all the other bits and pieces of me that have fallen or are falling apart I don't do change well if its done to fast. So my world got turned upside down, all of a sudden I am sleeping alone and we are sleeping different times and he sits on the computer all day talking to her and giggling. Its annoying to say the least. I happen to like company myself once in a while.
Its not the new relationship that bothers me. hell if someone can be happy more power to the. this is a pretty shitty world we live in. Its the onset of the panic and anxiety that hes going to leave. Nothing to do with love or sex but everything to do with his being my caretaker. I have no backup. I don't know anyone well enough anymore to let them care for me. This is also the first time I have lived with males this long and not been abused or put down..you know the drill...and its been the best point of my life so far. So I guess its not bad but its not good ether as it puts me on an edge. If i have no one to care for me I end up in an institution. And that scares the shit out of me.
Sometimes I just want to throw all my meds down the toilet and go back to being oblivious of everything going on around me. But as I found out growing up ignorance is not bliss. Though you would think it could be. At some point the light shines in and the ignorance is burned away and all your left with is 3rd degree burns on 90% of your body praying for death but at the same time fighting to keep your life. I have quit smoking...3 years now. I don't drink but a small glass every couple of months if that. i have had to give up milk for Soy. I have had to give up sugar, salt, I am up to about 10 meds now. I feel so much like my grandmother Id like to jump off a bridge at times. Just this month I get to see, the sleep specialist for apnea, Oral surgeon to take out the rest of my teeth (stay away from mtn dew) an ophthalmologist (eye doctor) two reasons here 1) my sight is starting to go and 2) with the new diagnosis of diabetes type 2 requires a check for cataracts,I also have to go have a bone density test as well as go to the neurologist(for the damage when i got hit by the minivan) and I have to see a new counselor and next month i get a complete psych eval. Gee I wonder why I am stressed out and cant handle massive quick change at the moment. And YES I am whining. I know I will live threw all of it and maybe in the end I might have even got a couple issues fixed but right now it feels like i got the world on my shoulders and my rock has gone off to make goo goo eyes at some one from the Netherlands (she is very pretty though so he does have some taste lol)
I think I got guilt gifts though lol. He picked up all the gym stuff that i need/want to start doing my physical therapy and try losing weight, I got a great 3 tier bookshelf which all my books fit in which is really awesome. and we got 2 of those 3x2 metal milk crate deals (i guess the plastic ones from the hoods and broth bros arnt in fashion anymore lol) I try to understand ppl around me their situations and what it must be like to have to deal with mental case like me...I don't get most of it especially than hanging around part. He took care of me for 2 years before I could even get him paid, he took off with me to another state without hesitating. That is a lot for a "friend" to do I would think. But hey who am I to try to figure out what makes ppl tick when I just finding out what makes me tick.
Well this is a long one so I guess I should pretty much shut up now. Some times it just feels good to talk and no offense do you guys out there but some things are just meant to be talked about with the same gender. I am sure you guys have a few topics you don't talk about in mixed company as well. But as the only female friends I have are all online or in Vermont and across the country I don't get a chance to just have girl chat so sometimes I do the chatting here. "shrugs" it works and working things are good. well its 4:45am and i doubt i will sleep much today but if your reading this have a good Sunday. bye bye
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