Almost a year

Well its been almost a year since i posted. but things have been going so well. I have moved and i am now living in Michigan. a friend came with me. i don't know why out of the blue i am having another bipolar episode i haven't had a down like this in ages. i have a few ups though. i can live through those. the downs are harder. while i know whats real and isn't real. it doesn't stop the thoughts.

For the last couple of days i have felt totally useless. which is fucked up as i have been running around packing things to move to the new house. And i have also been feeling like the only reason ppl are around me or want me around is for what i have or what i can do for them. it feels like if ppl had a choice and didn't want what the wanted from me they would never be around to begin with. I know it cant be true but it feels it. it feels like ppl only do nice things for me keep or keep me company just to placate me so that i wont realize that they want nothing to do with me.

i get oh thank you you have helped so much from one person and 2 mins later i get told that my conversation is unneeded and unwanted. basically shut up and go away. Most only talk to me when they have nothing better to do. I hate my illness. it is so hard to fight these feelings. and there is never anyone to help. unless they have bipolar as well you cant explain the depth to which the pain goes. and to just how real all the feelings are even though you know that its the illness and not real.

if this keeps up i am going to have to hospitalize myself because no one will be around i will have chased all away. and i am not allowed to live alone. i have no words to adequately express and explain where my emotions are at when i am like this. i feel desolate, disillusioned, desperate, alone, mean, i feel bad like i have done something wrong and that's why i am alone. i feel like i am everyone else's sickness. i feel like a burden. and i don't know how to trust anyone when they say they really do like me, that i am a friend and that they want to be around me...that's what everyone has said. and its always been because they wanted something from me or for me to do something for them.

On the other hand. i will bend over backwards, do more then is required and more then what i can handle physically and i will give everything i have trying to make up for my illness. I have no other way to apologise for how act and respond when i am having an episode. so am i really saying i am sorry. or am i trying to buy my friendships in possessions and work? its like the chicken and the egg. were they my friends before i could give them things or do things for them or did it come from after they were my friends and i started trying to make up for how awful i am.

I haven't see a therapist since last June because of living in the car, the car breaking, moving to Michigan etc. i haven't had my depo shot in well a total of 6 months was suppose to have it in September but everyone kept putting it off telling me to wait until i got here. Now i am having very intense pain from the cramps due to not having the depo. they ended up finding a polyp in my uterus they say it may be endometriosis. like duh. been saying that for 10 years or more now. It still scares me. my friend who i moved here to be companion to has cancer most of it in her uterus. the tumors have grown so large that it has almost closed her vaginal canal totally.

What happens if what they found isn't just a polyp? my family has a very long history of uterine and ovarian cancer as well as cervix. i may not need my reproductive organs but i dont want them to rot away ether. Sometimes i get so scared when i see her. because our lives have ran so parallel its scary and i dont want that to happen now. But its an unfounded fear and i know it. I also know i get pretty down during holidays seasons. and seasonal changes

There isn't even any snow here yet. there is green grass. it just gets a little frosty at the moment.
its like going threw fall all over again. and i think my seasonal affect disorder is kicking in. I wish there were anti depressant i could take so i would get so negative but i have a very severe reaction to them and its just worse then being depressed. its like the cure being worse then the disease.

I am also afraid of everyone leaving. I am just bearly learning how to do things that normal ppl do. what will happen if everyone is gone before i learning everything i need to know. and what happens if the state finds out i am alone. i will be put straight into a residential program with the other nut cases. and worst of all i will have lost my friends the only ppl i truly care about besides myself. and every damn time i start letting down my walls and letting ppl in to my heart they go away and it hurts. i know its part life but it doesn't mean i have to like it.

i have been such a cunt to one of my best friends. I keep this up i wont have one. But the flip side of that and the fucked up thing is that the only reason i end up being a bitch to him is that i know he wont hate me for it and i hope that he knows by now its because i trust him. i would have never made it this far in my life without his support. Hes put up with so much shit from me. I think its cause i am sacred that i give him so much shit totally backwards as usual. I get to the point where ppl matter to me and then i try to push them away before i can get anymore hurt.

i know i am not doing well at all because i have gone back to talking to the ppl in my bipolar support group that we created ourselves by finding each other on line. I seem to be desperate for confirmation that i am doing well. that i am not being a total fuck up that i am useful that i am not just doing things to keep from loosing friends. and its not like you can walk up and ask them.. oh BTW are you just hanging around me or letting me hang around because it makes your life easier? like anyone would honestly answer that.

I have been feeling old, ugly, mean, bitchy, nasty, and shit load more adjectives i cant think of at the moment. i have one friend who cant just let me talk without judging and trying to fix everything and this illness can only be controlled to the best of my ability by me. My other friends can bearly handle the excessive emotional outburst that come with both the mania and the depression. i have an easier time understanding those who cant deal with my emotions then those who seem to think this is some kind of stage i am going threw and a few good lessons on life and a i will fix you attitude will actually help.

all i need is someone to hear me. someone to let me be me. and someone who can handle it when they let me be me. So hear i sit scared, lonely, confused, ignored, and all those other so non positive feelings. and it is just so overwhelming. these are the episode i just want to open my bottles of pills and see just how long it takes to die. but i cant do it. i am to much a coward. and i know that all i would do is make even more problems for those i am trying to call friend.

I hate when this acts up and i feel like this. and the longer i go between episodes the more intense and hard to deal with they seem. when you deal with something everyday its much easier then when you have to deal with it a few times a year because you remember what you need and how to get it. and even how to talk yourself out of your episodes. i dont know if other bipolar have the same feelings or issues but i am hoping that now we live in a bigger area that i can find groups where i can get support and find out these answer myself. i dont know if it came on because i worked myself until i collapsed literally the other day. or it is just part of the natural cycle that i have developed through the years. it has been good to be episode free. So its been real hard the last couple of days. oh well ...here's to live lets see if we can live it.