Playing Games

I enjoy playing online games, whether there are full 3d games or browser games. But if there is a chat feature there is always a few narcissistic, blowhards ready to jump on everything you say. I am honesty with the chat community on these games about my bipolar and I do my best to explain how some of the core symptoms in my case include excessive talking, my own narcissistic tendencies and the biggest problem that I have is over reacting and taking things personally.

I dont think that some of these ppl understand that like any other mental illness only so much can be controlled even with meds and therapy. I am not trying whine or get pity for my condition. I have already been threw that stage and i can have my own very good pity party without any help from another living soul.

What does happen is that like any group be it family or community you become attached to the ppl whether its because you like them or you hate them an attachment and expected behaviors form. I got a line of you only get respect if you earn it. fine and dandy dont respect "me" but basic human respect is expected. I have sessions where some of these ppl continually harass me, swear at me and call me names. Now if this was done offline it would be considered abusing the mentally ill and that comes with consequences. But online there are no consequences. if its a game maybe someone gets muted for a a few mins or a few days. their friends still post the abusive statements from their now muted friends so i am still being inundated with this harassment.

Now I have a choice I could simple just stop playing the game. Which is what would be most ppls first advice. BUT why should I have to be the one to lose out on the friends I have made and the fun and enjoyment of the game because of someone elses bigoted outlook and inability to understand that mental illness isn't something you can turn off and on at will. Isn't my illness punishment enough? why do i have to lose out by giving up my enjoyment so that other ppl cant harass me?

Where are my rights to enjoy the freedom of Internet and chat communities and its not like this is a new game i have been playing since January 08. Now if this was going to be such a problem for some of these ppl why didn't they go to the owner of the game and let him know that they were having issues with me and have him or some uninterested 3rd party come to me and say look. the ppl here are having problems with you. fix this this and that or you will need to leave the game so as not to ruin the game for others. That would have been reasonable. I would have understand but I have been playing for almost a year and all i am getting lately is being sworn at ether in messages where they cant get caught at it or in open chat where they can. why wait till i have put time and money into this game to start having issues. I am not even the same as i was when i started playing I am actually better then i was as i have more control and better meds.

if someone can tell me that there is some protection I can receive from this harassment which doesn't require me to forfeit the game i would be most appreciative. but I dont expect anyone to have anything to say about this. I guess when we go online we give up the right to be treated with respect and not harassed. We have to give up things we like to do and things that make us feel good because there is always some idiot out there just waiting to jump on you so they can feel better about themselves.

And we are the ones that get called disabled and mentally ill. I am being to wonder who is really the ill ppl in this world

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The Perception of Age

When do you start feeling old? Is it when you hear your high school dance music playing over the supermarket speakers or in an elevator? Is it the first time your called Mame or Sir by the pimple faced kid at the register? Is it the first time you notice that your Grey is noticeable? Is it when you realize your still young but you no longer have the glow and energy of youth? Is it when your joints are more accurate then the local weatherman? Is it when you look at your 40th birthday and realize that you have another 40 or more years to try and live a productive life?

I look back at my journals and the entries in my blog and I wonder to myself. In a little over a year I will be 40. what happened to the last 40? How did I last this long wading threw what was sewer pit? I have to believe that this signifies that my life has a reason. I have no clue what it is but I am satisfied that in some way I have touched someones life or I will in the future that will lead to something good for that person. I guess you could say I have faith in fate. 

I have lived in cars. I have slept in empty house and garages that were up for sale. I have found my food in some very unsavory places. I was a drunk. Until 05 I had always lived in an abusive home or was in an abusive relationship. That was the same year I was hit by a minivan and my life really changed. So what is the next half of my life going to hold? I can't have children anymore. I doubt very much I am going to win the lottery as I don't play it. I am not going to win a casino jackpot. I have lived near 3 of them for over 2 years and I have never even seen the buildings.

I would like to go back to school and get my teaching degree and work with adults who have cognitive disorders, but I don't even know if with my own cognitive issues if i can get threw school or hold a job. Am I too old to start school and to start teaching? Though I enjoy where I live and I can't afford to buy a home I would like to be able to someday. I don't want to grow old alone then again no one really does. While I am not afraid of actually getting old it does leave me with a lot of questions who's answers wont be found till I have lived them.

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Fall to Winter

Well things have been up and down as usual. I have a new doctor and he seems like he might actually want to help me. though do to mess ups with transferring medical I ended up over a month without my meds. First time in 5 years  that i haven't had my meds. Its not something I want to repeat but I was alot better now then i was before i ever took the meds and before i learned what little control i have now.

I am playing games again and back to clicking my ads for money. this time of year is pretty hard for me as much as i love it. Halloween is my favorite holiday. even more so now that I am an adult and it is a religious holiday for me. but October and November are full of birthdays of family both alive and dead. Right now it feels pretty much the same after not seeing anyone for 2 years plus now. we are suppose to go this spring but i have been talking about getting the van fixed for over a year but things are complicated money wise.

I am hoping that with Scribe added on to FireFox I will be more likely to keep a more accurate record of things and not go months between righting. We shall see what happens. but this is a short one as i am not doing bad at all and feeling quite good considering this last month.

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