Fear

Written for a counselor somewhere between 04 and 06. Wanted to know my most predominant
emotion.

Fear. This I feel all the time. Fear of failing myself and others, fear of success, fear of hurting someone with my words or actions, fear of not being good enough, fear of losing my home, fear of going hungry, fear of rejection, fear of acceptance, fear of caring, fear of being cared for. I could go on forever think. I know that 99% of that fear is not justifiable. That it is me making a big deal over nothing, borrowing trouble. I am working very hard to control my fears and my reaction to things.

when i am scared I mostly want to run away. I am a big wussy. And I don't want to face my fears.I also will get all upset and push people away and cause self prophesied fears to occur rather then wait and see if the other shoe drops.

This can cause things to happen that never would have happened if I hadn't made it happened. Self destruction seems to be my biggest enemy. I fear it more then anything else in my life at this time. I don't know how far I will go to self destruct. I know how far I have gone in the past and I know that I am willing to do my very best not to ever return to that. But destruction is still destruction. I have felt it start to happen a couple of times and have bit my tongue till it bled to keep from starting a chain reaction.

I think its part of whats keeping me from getting close to people. The less I know about people the less I can us against them when I go into destruct mode. I must conquer my fears..just a normal life would be my biggest wish.