Something else yet again

Went to the Docs yesterday and can you believe it I have something else I have to live with...Type 2 Diabetes. That makes a new med and puts me at about 10 meds plus a vitamin supplement.

And it looks like i am starting menopause.  The rest of this year is just going to be so much fun.

I will be adding links and pdf's with information about diabetes and its effects on women in general and the effects it has on minority females like Native Americans, and other such groups. This has me pretty scared. A lot more scared then any of the other things the doctors have found. My great uncle lost both his legs to diabetes as did my next door neighbor when i was in my early teens. I watched me grandmother and her trails with it my entire life. In fact I use to give her the insulin shots. I am only on pills at the moment no shots at this time and if i do things right i am hoping not to ever have to need them.

There is going to be alot of medical stuff going on the next few weeks. Cant wait to see how many good things i get to add here. i would really like some positive results from all this poking, prodding and cutting and such. its all worth it if i get even a little mobility back and a little less pain. I am not greedy i just want to be able to do things like take walks. maybe even go dancing again someday.

Ah well enough brooding over things i cant change..will just have to grab at the brass ring and do my best. its nice to not have an episode when i write though i am sure its more interesting lol.

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Triggers

A few years ago the psychologist suggested that I stop watching shows that I knew could cover topics that could trigger my episodes be it my PTSD or Bipolar.

Her first suggestion was to stop watching Law and Order SUV. I tried that for awhile but I missed the show. Though the topics were very capable of causing me to trigger, they also caught the bad guys. I think that was actually more therapeutic to me then anything else.

The next suggestion was the TV news channels and local news as well. That was OK for a while but was leaving me in the dark about important topics. So I started getting just the headlines on google home page so i could decided what i wanted to read about and that has worked out great.

What has caused me many trips back to my youth is music. It was one of the few ways I could express myself. I could find songs that were saying exactly how I felt at any given time. So second to writing, music also helped me to mellow out. But now when I turn on VH1 classic and listen to all the music from the 80s I am filled with memories most only remembered because of the music.

With almost every song I can recall a memory so vivid that I can tell you where I was sitting, the channel, the show, if I had a friend over. the condition and even the smell of the house. Most of these are happy and fun memories but they are also memories filled with how I was then, who I was then, and I can slowly see myself loosing the battle with the bipolar and changing into the person i spent over half my life hating.

I really don't know if this is a good thing or not. I dont have a therapist at the moment but with the new insurance I should have one soon. I am so different from the child I was and totally reverse of the person I became when I lost what little control I had left of my psyche.

Just had to get this down while it was on my mind as I believe this is a very important aspect of my life. And being a professional procrastinator I will most likely print this whole blog out for the doctor to read when I get one. As I sure as heck don't want to have to repeat anything I dont have to :)

Mother's Day 2009 a 12 year review

Well about 12 years and 12 and half hour ago, the woman who raised me died.  I am not to found of mothers day for obvious reasons.

You never stop grieving you just do it one day a year after some time has passed. It hurts as bad today as it did then. This is my one day. I had to many ppl to take care of and be there for including the man who raised me. Who was 85 that year.

She was only 70 years old that year. She was my biological grandmother and my adoptive mother. i always called her mom unless i was mad then i would call her Doris just to tick her off (kids are such a grateful lot). Though to some 70 maybe old it is still young to drop dead.

She was my whole world I was 27 the day she died and I had never left home never held an outside job for longer then three months and I truly had no clue what to do after she was gone. I had never been taught how to live on my own. After she passed no one ever came back to visit. 45 mins after the funeral home took her away everyone was gone and if we have seen 1% of them in the last 12 years i would be surprised.

I remember overhearing her tell her friends no matter what happens if i go you take care of Stanley and Amy. yeah the took care all right one of these so call friends of her actually raided our photo album and took over half the pictures we had of her. and one bright bulb tried to take a picture of her dead. that almost caused me to reposition his camera in such  a way he would have needed a colonoscopy  to find where it finally had ended up.

So like all the times before I made sure that the Doris' ashes got taken care of, that Stanley was watched over and kept safe etc. Two years after this Stanley died. Jan 3 2000. He was 87, his skin almost transparent, but he had made peace with his life and He and I had found peace with each other. the day Stanley died i was proud to call him my Dad.

Doris was such an integral part of my life that we were like two in one. That was how she raised me. totally dependent on her for everything and when she died i died with her. I curled up into a ball and only did the house cleaning and cooking nothing more but the basics. I lost it for a long time even after I came out of my daze. The bed she died on was still in the house and late at night i would sometimes get hungry once in awhile and while i was making supper i would talk to her like she was still there on that bed like we use to.

i get along great with and love my birth mother dearly but its different.

looking back at my life the things i went threw and dealt with I am honestly surprised that I even came out of all that with any kind of intelligence left at all. Anyway just needed to get that out. When mothers day lands on the 10th i get a bit more twisted then i normal do about mothers day.

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Bipolar: Keep Informed

This is one of the best sites I have come across for both the patient and the caregiver. Without a solid, knowledgeable caretaker some of us would never get out of bed again. Things for me are mostly table though yesterday my son that I put up for adoption turned 18 and its making me feel real odd but I am more inclined to think its maternal more then it is bipolar issues. Other then that I havent been to horrible but i have been a tad cranky, and unfriendly to my caretaker. Its got to stop. it happens because i know i can rant and rave at him and hes not going to hate me. but with reading the caretaker articles on this link i realized i could be doing a good job at driving him away. So goals for the next couple of months are
1) dont treat caretaker like a whipping boy
2) lose some of this god awful weight.

anyway thats todays little info and i hope you find this link as helpful and educational as i did

Bipolar Disorder � EverydayHealth.com

Memories

Just a side note Scribe Fire is the best FireFox plug in. No having to bring up any web pages just bring it up and type. anyways...

I finally figured out why ppl say that school are the best years of your life. Its not the school per say but the fact that you are more free then you will ever be after you get out. its a time of no work, free food and roofs, no real bills,etc. Now i know it wasn't that way for everyone but it tends to apply to most. Even though I had to take care of Doris and Stanley I still had my moments of peace and even some time to myself.

School was my escape. The only time I was around others my age. Even then Doris and Stanley managed to mess that up some times. Anyway I digress.

Despite being picked on most of the time it really was the best time. For most ppl it lasted threw college from what i have heard. it ended for me when i turned 16. i was told i knew enough to get by and it was time to do my duty and take care of Doris and Stanley full time. Sometimes I get so mad at them and its not like its going to help with both of them dead now.it was 9 years for Stanley in January and it will be 12 years for Doris in May. It still feels like yesterday. I have tried to go to college a couple of times since then and something has always come up. Always because I had to take of someone else. Being disabled is no picnic but its nice not to have to wait on anyone anymore.

Emotionally I have come along way and then some. I can almost control the episodes now. Though the depression is harder then the manic. Manic is addictive. You multi task like a robot you dont sleep you just get so much done and you feel really good. Its kinda like drugs I guess from what I have heard. It does feel good not to be that way all the time now.

No real updates on the physical side of things. Though I do get mad at the driver who hit me. its called a crosswalk for a reason, its even suppose to be a law that you stop at them. Oh well life goes on. The doctors are talking about something called a decompression surgery to straighten my spine. then fixing the herniated disc and all that should move everything at the way and stop pressing on my nerve root. I dont know that i really want them operating on my back but if i dont take my meds i cant even get out of bed so whats the worse thing that can happen..i am already pretty much stuck in bed lol. Well will shut up before this gets any longer then it already is.

Oh one more thing my son turns 18 on the 15th. maybe it wouldn't feel so weird if i hadn't put him up for adoption but it was the very best thing for him. Happy Birthday Trevor.

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