Sleep. It does a body (and a mind) good.

Well I guess we see what a couple days of insomnia can do to a persons mind. Though it shouldn't it still amazes me the difference sleep can bring. You don't even put together the fact that your feeling out of control because you can't sleep and you can't sleep cause your feeling out of control.
I am going to have to put up some kind of reminder to myself that lack of sleep brings out the manic nutcase in me and that I don't realize it.  Its like being submerged into a VR game and not realizing its a game. Not that there is any fun to be had during this kind of drama. Everything becomes compacted and feels like it is imploding in your head. Everything gets tighter and tighter and its like your getting claustrophobic just being in your own body and mind. It gets so intense that you try to gnaw your leg off to get away.
I don't know if it can be really be described in a manor that can be felt by those who don't have these particular types of issues. Its like being terrified of walking out your own door, people who are unaffected by this just can't relate fear and going outside together.
Phobia are just that, unreasonable fear, it doesn't make sense, its very hard to relate to because of its very nature. Here is a test/game for you to try. Take one of your biggest fears, think about it, but only to the point that you feel slightly apprehensive, (don't wig yourself out) Now transfer that feel to your front door. Look at your front door and feel that apprehension and fear. When people like me see that door we feel the same fear that you do when you think of one of your deepest fears.
This also kicks in the flight or fight response as well. For some of us the fight is done with words ether verbally or like with me writing. Writing is the way that I face my fear. I get so very angry as well as scared so by writing I am not actually getting into someone's face and burning bridges and driving away friends and family. Though I do feel exactly how I am writing its more intense then it should be its like the radiance between " OK I am annoyed" and GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE!!!
I don't want the people I love to ever think I am telling them to get out of my life especially if I don't mean it. When having an episode I can be quick to anger but I am just as quick to calm down when I am let to rant. Start fighting with me and I will keep it up until the cows come home.
Anyway just so people know. The family and friends I bitch about I love very much. If I didn't what they did or didn't do wouldn't effect how I felt at all.

I just can't do it!

I know I went off in my last post. I really thought I could handle this. I can't I just can't. The boys are up north and every day they are there that's one less day that I get a good night hug and good morning smile.  Less then 30 days to find a new place to live and the closest I can find is 37 miles away which is almost an hours drive.
They will be stopping to come get me for that weekly supper even quicker then I thought with that kind of mileage. What do I do with all these feelings???? If I ask Tricia the questions that I want to and say the things I want to then I will never see the boys. So this will remained unsettled until both boys are of age. When Rick first wanted me to move in with him and her I tried to say no. I told them I wanted to stay in Fraser. We had been staying there about 3 weeks at the time. She guilt tripped me into staying by saying how much I would hurt the boys if I left. How much they had grown to love me and want me around.  She said she wanted us to be a family. So I worked my ass off to turn my life around so she wouldn't want to kick me out. And what happens I change everything and she still throws me away.
I love the boys with all my heart and I promised them 2 years ago that I would never leave them and I would always be there for them. I have no choice but to leave physically but I will never leave them in my heart. And no matter if its tomorrow or 30 years of tomorrows I will be here for them no questions asked and door always open.
She made me think I could have a real family. Why is it that the majority of females in my life are nothing but puffs of fluff and never mean what they say and are so quick to throw me away??? I promised myself 10 years ago now that I would never trust another female that much. I would never let one talk me into something I wasn't sure of. I sure as hell messed that one up. Don't think I am bashing all females but lets face we know it and we say it to each other women are bitches.
What do I want to do right now?? I want to go buy a pack of smokes. This is the first time since 06 that I have really wanted to buy a pack and I am quickly losing my willpower.  Even when Kelli passed I didn't want to buy a pack have one or two maybe but not a full force I want to go back to smoking feeling.  Just realized the last time I quit smoking I started again when the last female I trusted tore my world out from under me. Gee do we see a pattered here...
I want to scream and yell and demand answers but all i can do is rage silently or risk my relationship with the boys. This is so damn hard to do. I have never held back what I felt. I have never walked away with unanswered questions. I have never given up without a fight but thats what I have to do here. I have to fight back what is every basic instinct for me to keep the promised I made to the boys.
Hell if smokes weren't so damn expensive now I most likely would have already bought a pack....

I must have been a total SOB in my last life

I must have been one mean SOB in my last life or last few lives as it maybe because every time I get to the point where I trust people enough to start letting down my walls and caring for them they use my back side as an entrance for their foot, or any large object that could cause major damage and pain.

To coin a line from one of my favorites songs "people are people". I thought I had I finally had a family out here in Michigan that loved and respected me. Guess what?? I was WRONG again. It shouldn't surprise me but it did. First I am told that they think I would be better off in my own place where I could do  and be what I want. I get the information and apply for a very nice retirement/independent living facility where I would not only have my own apartment but where I would have access to help if I needed it. Not even a few days later, in other words Today, I was woken up twice and told I NEEDED to call them so I could get my place as soon as possible. 

The paper work was mailed on Thursday. There is no way they will have had a chance to get the paperwork and go over it and send out the rest of the paperwork that I need to fill out and the paperwork the Doctor needs to fill out. 

Obviously that little speech I got about how much better it would be for me to build on all that I have accomplished the last 2 years. I thought it was just a rehearsed pretty speech to keep the chance of confrontation to a  minimum . And the "I expect you to come over every week for Sunday dinner will quickly becomes 'i am too tired' "i am too busy" "gas is too expensive and those "family" meals will stop happening fairly quickly.  I really hate two faced, lying, cowardly people. I put out some feelers towards 'normal' apartments but most of them are way more then I can really afford as they are not section 8. Paying $400 in rent when you make $759 a month cuts things really close, especially when you take into account utilities, trips to the doctors and to pick up meds, rides to the grocery store and all the other little things that people don't really take into account that needs to be budgeted in to within a penny if you plan on eating. Not to mention I still have to come up with a down payment and moving costs. 

With a section 8 apartment especially in the building I applied for I would have help with rent, down payment and moving costs. I am so very disappointed with this supposed surrogate family of mine. I thought more of Tricia then this. I thought or once I met a female who wasn't a backstabbing, lying, insincere bitch. I thought I had my first female friend that I was capable of living with for an extended period of time. I though I had another sister. Just goes to show that no one can be trusted ever. The only person you can trust is yourself and that's only once in awhile as we screw ourselves over without any help quite often. 

Of course Rick is "in love" with her. And considering what she has said about him to me I would say that the feelings were only slightly returned. If you love someone and something they due upsets you, your suppose to talk to them about it not run them down to someone else. Asking for insight or help that I can understand but running them down. Just not acceptable.

 Statements like:

 'being around him makes me feel like I have to dumb myself down to be at his level" 

He almost never wears anything but sweatpants when we go out to play pool and he embarrasses me" "People say things about the way he is dressed to me and I say there is nothing I can do about it."

"Sex with him is boring and repetitive he never does anything different" 

These are not statements from someone who really loves another. I want to say something so badly as Rick has been a real friend to me for many years now. If I say something then I will just be accused of trying to start shit. 

I figure if worse comes to worse when my loan from financial aid for living expenses comes in I will just buy a cheap van load it and live in that. It wont be the first time I have lived in a van or in a vehicle in general. I have already shed tears for the "death" of the goals and dreams I had that concerned this "family" The only ones who haven't treated me any different are the boys. But being teens it wont take long for me to become out of site out of mind and they will drift away as well. 

I will miss the boys the most. They have helped me in so many ways to conquer my fears of big, loud guys, they were able to reach me even when I was curled up in the corner of a closet deep in flash back. Their love I do not question whatsoever. And I don't mean anything bad about them basically forgetting me. They are teens and are starting to date and making plans for college and the military. Its only normal and right for them to go on leading their lives and growing. 

Though I have grown to love Michigan as much as I do Vermont, and the opportunities here in Michigan are much more then Vermont, I am thinking of moving back home. If once I move I have a hard time making friends and the only person with whom I have any conversation with is the cat, then going home is most likely going to be the sanest move I can make. With real family and long time friends around me at least I will not go insane from loneliness. 

My first psychiatrist told not only me but Disability that I am not allowed to live alone due to the fact that when I have to endure an episode I tend to forget to take my meds and if I forget to take my meds I become a danger to myself and my ability to breath. At the independent living facility that wont be a problem as they have in house help. A ' normal' apartment doesn't have what I need to stay safe. 

Right now I am just not sure where everything is headed but I am going to do my best to put myself into the safest place that I can. I intend to hold on to the accomplishments of the last 2 years. I am going to do my best to not fail yet again. I have had to start taking my klonipin again just to keep from having a major breakdown. I don't mind the idea of getting my own place its the shit that has followed that choice that has been tearing me apart. Thanks to the klonipin I have also kept control of my rage to a point. I have punched the shed walls a couple of time and a few other things that cant be broken with a punch. I think I messed up my right wrist as its still back and swollen from a few days ago. Its the outside of my wrist. But its a much better release then tearing into someone verbally until I have made them mad enough to throw a punch at me so I can punch them back. Even that much is growth for me. My friends and my family know just how out of control my rage use to be.  

I am just totally bewildered by all of this but as I said earlier I shouldn't be. You can only trust people insofar as they will do only what benefits them and if it benefits someone else as well then that's just a brownie point for their karma. 

Annoyances

Always getting preached at about saving money while everyone else does whatever they want to with theirs.

Feeling like I have to do ass kissing apologies for having a bad day or because I had the nerve to not only let something bother me but to say it to the person who helped to cause it.

Everyone blaming my Meds or lack thereof for my bad moods when what happens is that without some of my Meds my ability to put up with shit decreases. My pain pills for example leave me in a state where almost nothing registers on my give a shit scale. Guess what???? It sucks when you don't even have the energy to not let ppl walk all over you.

Though I seem to register an emotional maturity level of someone in their early 20s does not in anyway mean ppl have the right to treat me like a child.

I swear I willing to give up one of my internal organs to have a chance to show everyone what it feels like to brave a few hrs with your head up your ass because of medications. And to be treated like a 5 year old and told what u are allowed to do. I am so fed up with ppl talking to me like my IQ and shoe size are the same. Despite the medications I can always tell when I am being talked down to. And for the record the last time I went threw an evaluation the doctor said my IQ is 104. So while I am not a genius I am not in anyway stupid.

I have to go threw another eval in a few months after some sessions with the shrink to see if I am going to be allowed to live on my own. I mainly have to prove that I am capable of taking my Meds responsibly and that I am not going to fall back into a "I feel fine so I am not going to take the Meds anymore" fit which I use to do consistently when I was younger.

Time Travel

All the blood sweat tears and
Money out into the science of time travel and u found its secret for free.

I hit my Pandora's play Button on the 80s alternative station. And with almost every song every scent, sound, taste even sights other senses came together and I was 16-25 years old again. Every song had a "where I was the first time I heard it" memory. Then came all the memories where I hearing the song and it branded into my head.

The first time I heard and saw hungry like the wolf my best friend sandy and I were having a sleep over at my house. We saw it on solid gold dancers. And the best part of Fridays was we got to watch Friday night videos. It was the closest thing to MTV I ever had but it hour or so of my week. I never did get to have cable in my house before MTV went commercial. I swore for months about that.

I haven't really listened to music in close to 7 years now. Before that starting circa 2003 I knew the music because of all the time I spent in bars. I stopped because I couldn't handle the depth to which I sunk emotionally when the songs I shared with ex came on. It also happened with new songs that I connected with.

I know that music is suppose to do things like that but with the stupid bipolar I couldn't react without over reacting. So to protect my stability I cut myself off. I have too little is as bad as too much even when it comes to music.

I stopped taking my pain pills going on 3 weeks now. It's not overly comfortable BUT my head is a lot clearer. Just last week I realized just how much I have wasted. It's no wonder I am stuck in the past. It's all that has happened to me.

Once I gave living up so that I could live in someone else's shadow I ceased to exist. When I did this I gave up the person I wanted to be. The places I wanted to go and the goals I had to create a life that was about me as much as it was about everyone else.

I remembered back to the last time I felt good about my appearance. Where I felt safe in my own company and everyone else's opinion wasn't with crap. That time was circa 92-95. The only reason I remember is because uninstalled windows 95 for some very dear friends. Any who lol

It was during my Goth "phase". I have never been more content and happy then I was then. It was stupid of me to give up the parts I enjoyed just to keep my ex. If who I wasn't good enough I should have just walked.

I never lost my love for the music, the art, the immeasurably talent that flows threw this community. But I gave up most of my clothes, stopped dying my hair and want allowed to go white face anymore. I know ppl most Lille think its a minor thing that shouldn't have effected me but for me my way of dressing meant as much to me as it does for a catholic nun to wear her habit.

I was checking out photos on a friends Facebook. The same ppl who were my friends so many years ago and who introduced me to the Gothic community. I realized as I looked that I was damnably envious. As they never had to change their core and they had each other to share it with to keep it real and alive.

I dusted off my 20 something self who got set on a shelf and as she and I get reacquainted I have discovered I have also regained my determination, my need to really live my life. Hell I turned on Pandora and started walking the other day. I went almost 2 miles zoning on the sounds. Last year I couldn't even make .3 miles. Not a typo only .30 miles.

I promised myself that my second 40 was going to be better do far so good but I am really excited that I can go back to dressing in my best eclectic look and once again enjoying all the wonderful offerings of the Gothic community.

Oh side note. Way back when I was given the name of Onyx Rose. Not only do I still use it I have a number of friends who only know me by that name and can't be bothered to deal with my legal name and I think it's the most wonderful feeling in the world to me.

To my Gothic friend who knows I am talking about him and his lady when he gets around to reading this..... I Ammmm baaaaccckk lol.