I just can't do it!

I know I went off in my last post. I really thought I could handle this. I can't I just can't. The boys are up north and every day they are there that's one less day that I get a good night hug and good morning smile.  Less then 30 days to find a new place to live and the closest I can find is 37 miles away which is almost an hours drive.
They will be stopping to come get me for that weekly supper even quicker then I thought with that kind of mileage. What do I do with all these feelings???? If I ask Tricia the questions that I want to and say the things I want to then I will never see the boys. So this will remained unsettled until both boys are of age. When Rick first wanted me to move in with him and her I tried to say no. I told them I wanted to stay in Fraser. We had been staying there about 3 weeks at the time. She guilt tripped me into staying by saying how much I would hurt the boys if I left. How much they had grown to love me and want me around.  She said she wanted us to be a family. So I worked my ass off to turn my life around so she wouldn't want to kick me out. And what happens I change everything and she still throws me away.
I love the boys with all my heart and I promised them 2 years ago that I would never leave them and I would always be there for them. I have no choice but to leave physically but I will never leave them in my heart. And no matter if its tomorrow or 30 years of tomorrows I will be here for them no questions asked and door always open.
She made me think I could have a real family. Why is it that the majority of females in my life are nothing but puffs of fluff and never mean what they say and are so quick to throw me away??? I promised myself 10 years ago now that I would never trust another female that much. I would never let one talk me into something I wasn't sure of. I sure as hell messed that one up. Don't think I am bashing all females but lets face we know it and we say it to each other women are bitches.
What do I want to do right now?? I want to go buy a pack of smokes. This is the first time since 06 that I have really wanted to buy a pack and I am quickly losing my willpower.  Even when Kelli passed I didn't want to buy a pack have one or two maybe but not a full force I want to go back to smoking feeling.  Just realized the last time I quit smoking I started again when the last female I trusted tore my world out from under me. Gee do we see a pattered here...
I want to scream and yell and demand answers but all i can do is rage silently or risk my relationship with the boys. This is so damn hard to do. I have never held back what I felt. I have never walked away with unanswered questions. I have never given up without a fight but thats what I have to do here. I have to fight back what is every basic instinct for me to keep the promised I made to the boys.
Hell if smokes weren't so damn expensive now I most likely would have already bought a pack....