I must have been a total SOB in my last life

I must have been one mean SOB in my last life or last few lives as it maybe because every time I get to the point where I trust people enough to start letting down my walls and caring for them they use my back side as an entrance for their foot, or any large object that could cause major damage and pain.

To coin a line from one of my favorites songs "people are people". I thought I had I finally had a family out here in Michigan that loved and respected me. Guess what?? I was WRONG again. It shouldn't surprise me but it did. First I am told that they think I would be better off in my own place where I could do  and be what I want. I get the information and apply for a very nice retirement/independent living facility where I would not only have my own apartment but where I would have access to help if I needed it. Not even a few days later, in other words Today, I was woken up twice and told I NEEDED to call them so I could get my place as soon as possible. 

The paper work was mailed on Thursday. There is no way they will have had a chance to get the paperwork and go over it and send out the rest of the paperwork that I need to fill out and the paperwork the Doctor needs to fill out. 

Obviously that little speech I got about how much better it would be for me to build on all that I have accomplished the last 2 years. I thought it was just a rehearsed pretty speech to keep the chance of confrontation to a  minimum . And the "I expect you to come over every week for Sunday dinner will quickly becomes 'i am too tired' "i am too busy" "gas is too expensive and those "family" meals will stop happening fairly quickly.  I really hate two faced, lying, cowardly people. I put out some feelers towards 'normal' apartments but most of them are way more then I can really afford as they are not section 8. Paying $400 in rent when you make $759 a month cuts things really close, especially when you take into account utilities, trips to the doctors and to pick up meds, rides to the grocery store and all the other little things that people don't really take into account that needs to be budgeted in to within a penny if you plan on eating. Not to mention I still have to come up with a down payment and moving costs. 

With a section 8 apartment especially in the building I applied for I would have help with rent, down payment and moving costs. I am so very disappointed with this supposed surrogate family of mine. I thought more of Tricia then this. I thought or once I met a female who wasn't a backstabbing, lying, insincere bitch. I thought I had my first female friend that I was capable of living with for an extended period of time. I though I had another sister. Just goes to show that no one can be trusted ever. The only person you can trust is yourself and that's only once in awhile as we screw ourselves over without any help quite often. 

Of course Rick is "in love" with her. And considering what she has said about him to me I would say that the feelings were only slightly returned. If you love someone and something they due upsets you, your suppose to talk to them about it not run them down to someone else. Asking for insight or help that I can understand but running them down. Just not acceptable.

 Statements like:

 'being around him makes me feel like I have to dumb myself down to be at his level" 

He almost never wears anything but sweatpants when we go out to play pool and he embarrasses me" "People say things about the way he is dressed to me and I say there is nothing I can do about it."

"Sex with him is boring and repetitive he never does anything different" 

These are not statements from someone who really loves another. I want to say something so badly as Rick has been a real friend to me for many years now. If I say something then I will just be accused of trying to start shit. 

I figure if worse comes to worse when my loan from financial aid for living expenses comes in I will just buy a cheap van load it and live in that. It wont be the first time I have lived in a van or in a vehicle in general. I have already shed tears for the "death" of the goals and dreams I had that concerned this "family" The only ones who haven't treated me any different are the boys. But being teens it wont take long for me to become out of site out of mind and they will drift away as well. 

I will miss the boys the most. They have helped me in so many ways to conquer my fears of big, loud guys, they were able to reach me even when I was curled up in the corner of a closet deep in flash back. Their love I do not question whatsoever. And I don't mean anything bad about them basically forgetting me. They are teens and are starting to date and making plans for college and the military. Its only normal and right for them to go on leading their lives and growing. 

Though I have grown to love Michigan as much as I do Vermont, and the opportunities here in Michigan are much more then Vermont, I am thinking of moving back home. If once I move I have a hard time making friends and the only person with whom I have any conversation with is the cat, then going home is most likely going to be the sanest move I can make. With real family and long time friends around me at least I will not go insane from loneliness. 

My first psychiatrist told not only me but Disability that I am not allowed to live alone due to the fact that when I have to endure an episode I tend to forget to take my meds and if I forget to take my meds I become a danger to myself and my ability to breath. At the independent living facility that wont be a problem as they have in house help. A ' normal' apartment doesn't have what I need to stay safe. 

Right now I am just not sure where everything is headed but I am going to do my best to put myself into the safest place that I can. I intend to hold on to the accomplishments of the last 2 years. I am going to do my best to not fail yet again. I have had to start taking my klonipin again just to keep from having a major breakdown. I don't mind the idea of getting my own place its the shit that has followed that choice that has been tearing me apart. Thanks to the klonipin I have also kept control of my rage to a point. I have punched the shed walls a couple of time and a few other things that cant be broken with a punch. I think I messed up my right wrist as its still back and swollen from a few days ago. Its the outside of my wrist. But its a much better release then tearing into someone verbally until I have made them mad enough to throw a punch at me so I can punch them back. Even that much is growth for me. My friends and my family know just how out of control my rage use to be.  

I am just totally bewildered by all of this but as I said earlier I shouldn't be. You can only trust people insofar as they will do only what benefits them and if it benefits someone else as well then that's just a brownie point for their karma.