Just spent the last half hour browsing an old journal. I was hoping for some insight into the old me. It was really just full of day to day gibberish about things and people i was obsessing about at the time and just really made me glad i am not as bad as that anymore.
i didn't find a single thing worth mentioning here or even worth keeping. i was very busy writing about things that didn't matter so i could hide from myself the real problems i was having. It seems a very common trait with me in my past.
So in all i gained the knowledge that i was a very scared little girl for the majority of my life. i still am scared but no longer of what i may find inside myself. i believe that is most likely a problem faced by almost everyone not just those of us with mental illnesses. i also learned that my previous journeying skills really really sucked and i need major work on my penmanship :)
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Saturday, December 03, 2005
My life story..Part 2
Other things I remember from age 9. Our house burnt. I started the fire. GF's son murdered somebody and went to jail.. I remember him coming home covered in blood and the bag of bloody clothes he carried with him.. that was the day he punched and knocked out GM. i cried so hard. for the next 10 years or so GM and GF went to the prison every month. I stopped going about the age of 13 because all the guys there were staring at me. there is even a picture of me in my bassinet sitting on a picnic table in one of the old prisons outdoor area.
1979 was not a good year. the more I get my meds straight the more I am remembering...the more I wish I didn't. and really no one to share them with. who's gonna really understand.
I also got my first hickey that year from a family member a little younger then me on my right breast. she said she saw her parents doing it. Between DEC 10th-Jan 10th 1980 I started and stopped my period 6 times. went to the obgyn. got a full sized cold metal speculum jammed up inside me. well so much for virginity. I remember the pain. I remember promising to be a good girl..to please just let me up and let me go home.
1980 i was 10 now. I was 5'3 i weighed in about 100lbs and had 36C's for breasts. I looked as much as an adult as the rest of my family. I remember all the old men stopping their vehicles and trying to get me to get in. but I wasn't that stupid. thankfully. I got into rock and roll when i turned 10 lol. way less depressing then country.
I was in the 4th grade I think then. yeah 4th grade. that's the year I got belted across the face with a braided rope by one of the kids at school. that's the year I got beat all the time by the other kids. that was when I realized that the other kids didn't get called names at home and didn't get beaten and didn't get touched. we learned good touch and bad touch that year...but way to late for me.
when I told GM about the touching I was called a lire. told I was trying to make trouble. go play. .....that's enough for this post... I cant and don't want to remember anymore...not right now.......
1979 was not a good year. the more I get my meds straight the more I am remembering...the more I wish I didn't. and really no one to share them with. who's gonna really understand.
I also got my first hickey that year from a family member a little younger then me on my right breast. she said she saw her parents doing it. Between DEC 10th-Jan 10th 1980 I started and stopped my period 6 times. went to the obgyn. got a full sized cold metal speculum jammed up inside me. well so much for virginity. I remember the pain. I remember promising to be a good girl..to please just let me up and let me go home.
1980 i was 10 now. I was 5'3 i weighed in about 100lbs and had 36C's for breasts. I looked as much as an adult as the rest of my family. I remember all the old men stopping their vehicles and trying to get me to get in. but I wasn't that stupid. thankfully. I got into rock and roll when i turned 10 lol. way less depressing then country.
I was in the 4th grade I think then. yeah 4th grade. that's the year I got belted across the face with a braided rope by one of the kids at school. that's the year I got beat all the time by the other kids. that was when I realized that the other kids didn't get called names at home and didn't get beaten and didn't get touched. we learned good touch and bad touch that year...but way to late for me.
when I told GM about the touching I was called a lire. told I was trying to make trouble. go play. .....that's enough for this post... I cant and don't want to remember anymore...not right now.......
Sunday, November 20, 2005
My life story..this is an on going post
I was born February 19, 1970 and 5:06 am. I weighed 5lbs 6oz and was 19 inches long. I was born somewhat on schedule from what I hear. During my time in the womb, my mother was knocked to the ground twice, so I was already dropped before I was even born.
A month after my birth my mother went to Massachusetts to try to find a home for us. While she was gone, my grandparents sued for abandonment, with a crocked lawyer, who was later disbarred, won the suit, and fully adopted me before my mother could get home. Anyway, that is my mother’s story.
My grandparents on the other hand say she did not intend to take me with her and had overheard plans with her current boyfriend (who is the father of my next sister) to sell me on the black market and they had to do something to save me.
Who’s right I will never know and I don’t particularly care as I did when I was younger. All that needs to be known for this story is that my grandparents were known to me as my parents until I was 15 and my mother never came back for me or fought for me and I was raised knowing her as my sister and her children as my nieces and nephew. For easy of following this twisted tale my grandmother’s (GM), my birth mother (BM) and my Grandfather (GF).
I am assuming the first few years were fairly uneventful as I don’t have a lot of memory of them. I can remember playing on the swing set with GF. I can remember play with the Yorkie mixed breed pup that lived with us. And I can remember a couple of times that I woke in the morning and BM was in the house with the man she married in 1975, and how ever many of the 5 other children she had depending on the year.
I can remember some of going to Headstart and I was 4 and 5 years old then. GM worked as a cook for Headstart so she was always around which since to me she was my mom that was great to me. Headstart was fun. I remember the sandbox and the water table. And I remember the little deaf boy who was one of my classmates. And I remember watching a special teacher showing him how to use sign language and how I sat and learned it with him cause I figured I wanted to know what he had to say and I wanted to talk to him.
I remember some of first grade. It was very scary for me I was 6 years old and had never been a day without GM. I cried a lot that day. But it wasn’t too hard I already knew my alphabet and how to write I could even write in “cursive” so that made me a big girl and I was ahead of most of the other kids. This also put me out of sync with them and I soon became a very alone 1st grader. Mrs. Powell was my teacher and I thought she was the most coolest person alive. I still think so and have seen her a number of times since then and will always remember her with fondness as she made 1st grade bearable for me.
I remember some of 2nd. I was 7 going on 8 and was already showing a developing body. The boys at school called me dancing Dolly as in Dolly Parton. I was already a B cup at that point. I can even remember the first two boys who chased me around the playground and then tried to kiss me. I kicked my clogs at them. YUCK boys. I was to later have a crush on both of them as I grew up but never told ether one.
2nd grade is also where I discovered the monkey bars those wonderful look mom no hands flex myself around a hundred things playground toy. I was so agile at it the I got the nickname of monkey Minckler and was called monkey for many years. that was also the year I got the nickname motor mouth and Mink or Minky. 2nd grade was fairly rough. But I don’t remember it badly.
3rd grade we had to do in the armory because there was no room in the real schools. That was a cool year. Our teacher Ms Ruthier could play guitar and that was just about the coolest thing of that year. I continued to mature at a fast rate which was noticed by both the girls and the boys but really wasn’t an issue yet. I was 8 going on 9.
9 years old now that forward I have some very vivid memories of. 1979 was the year that GF's son went to prison for murder. It was the year I accidentally set fire to and gutted the upstairs of our house and on Dec 10th of that year I started my period. And I was a 36C by that point. I also had my first sexual encounter and it was a 16 year old girl. So year 1979 was an interesting year.
In the years leading up to this point BM gave birth to a total of 5 more children, in 1971,1973,1975,1977 and early 1979. As you see we are all very close in age some of us as little as 19 months I believe. 4 girls and boy. It was also the first year I ever got hit by a non family member. A boy by the name of Kyle punched me square in the sternum as I was walking out the armory doors one day for recess cause I said I could take a punch. I lost my breath a bit but never showed it. I took that punch good.
Also during those first 9 years I witnessed GF's son beating on women till they were bloody. I saw GF and GM's sons beating each other frequently. I remember one time that GM told me to go break them up I think I was 8 I tried and I got punched by accident(which is how I knew I could take the boys punch) the second time she asked me to do it I grabbed a broom put the handle between them and swatted it back and forth till they stopped. GM’s son to this day still holds that against me and he was a grown man in his mid to late 20s at the time it happened.
By 9 I was quite happy to be in school and away from everything at home. Then Tina moved in. she was a pretty 16 year old who was the daughter of a friend of GM and GF’s. she lived with us for a few months. During that few months she taught me not only how to play with myself but how to play with her and she did the same to me. I thought it was cool. It felt really good, it didn’t hurt, and she wanted to share and be with me. I truly didn’t realize there was anything wrong in what we were doing.
A month after my birth my mother went to Massachusetts to try to find a home for us. While she was gone, my grandparents sued for abandonment, with a crocked lawyer, who was later disbarred, won the suit, and fully adopted me before my mother could get home. Anyway, that is my mother’s story.
My grandparents on the other hand say she did not intend to take me with her and had overheard plans with her current boyfriend (who is the father of my next sister) to sell me on the black market and they had to do something to save me.
Who’s right I will never know and I don’t particularly care as I did when I was younger. All that needs to be known for this story is that my grandparents were known to me as my parents until I was 15 and my mother never came back for me or fought for me and I was raised knowing her as my sister and her children as my nieces and nephew. For easy of following this twisted tale my grandmother’s (GM), my birth mother (BM) and my Grandfather (GF).
I am assuming the first few years were fairly uneventful as I don’t have a lot of memory of them. I can remember playing on the swing set with GF. I can remember play with the Yorkie mixed breed pup that lived with us. And I can remember a couple of times that I woke in the morning and BM was in the house with the man she married in 1975, and how ever many of the 5 other children she had depending on the year.
I can remember some of going to Headstart and I was 4 and 5 years old then. GM worked as a cook for Headstart so she was always around which since to me she was my mom that was great to me. Headstart was fun. I remember the sandbox and the water table. And I remember the little deaf boy who was one of my classmates. And I remember watching a special teacher showing him how to use sign language and how I sat and learned it with him cause I figured I wanted to know what he had to say and I wanted to talk to him.
I remember some of first grade. It was very scary for me I was 6 years old and had never been a day without GM. I cried a lot that day. But it wasn’t too hard I already knew my alphabet and how to write I could even write in “cursive” so that made me a big girl and I was ahead of most of the other kids. This also put me out of sync with them and I soon became a very alone 1st grader. Mrs. Powell was my teacher and I thought she was the most coolest person alive. I still think so and have seen her a number of times since then and will always remember her with fondness as she made 1st grade bearable for me.
I remember some of 2nd. I was 7 going on 8 and was already showing a developing body. The boys at school called me dancing Dolly as in Dolly Parton. I was already a B cup at that point. I can even remember the first two boys who chased me around the playground and then tried to kiss me. I kicked my clogs at them. YUCK boys. I was to later have a crush on both of them as I grew up but never told ether one.
2nd grade is also where I discovered the monkey bars those wonderful look mom no hands flex myself around a hundred things playground toy. I was so agile at it the I got the nickname of monkey Minckler and was called monkey for many years. that was also the year I got the nickname motor mouth and Mink or Minky. 2nd grade was fairly rough. But I don’t remember it badly.
3rd grade we had to do in the armory because there was no room in the real schools. That was a cool year. Our teacher Ms Ruthier could play guitar and that was just about the coolest thing of that year. I continued to mature at a fast rate which was noticed by both the girls and the boys but really wasn’t an issue yet. I was 8 going on 9.
9 years old now that forward I have some very vivid memories of. 1979 was the year that GF's son went to prison for murder. It was the year I accidentally set fire to and gutted the upstairs of our house and on Dec 10th of that year I started my period. And I was a 36C by that point. I also had my first sexual encounter and it was a 16 year old girl. So year 1979 was an interesting year.
In the years leading up to this point BM gave birth to a total of 5 more children, in 1971,1973,1975,1977 and early 1979. As you see we are all very close in age some of us as little as 19 months I believe. 4 girls and boy. It was also the first year I ever got hit by a non family member. A boy by the name of Kyle punched me square in the sternum as I was walking out the armory doors one day for recess cause I said I could take a punch. I lost my breath a bit but never showed it. I took that punch good.
Also during those first 9 years I witnessed GF's son beating on women till they were bloody. I saw GF and GM's sons beating each other frequently. I remember one time that GM told me to go break them up I think I was 8 I tried and I got punched by accident(which is how I knew I could take the boys punch) the second time she asked me to do it I grabbed a broom put the handle between them and swatted it back and forth till they stopped. GM’s son to this day still holds that against me and he was a grown man in his mid to late 20s at the time it happened.
By 9 I was quite happy to be in school and away from everything at home. Then Tina moved in. she was a pretty 16 year old who was the daughter of a friend of GM and GF’s. she lived with us for a few months. During that few months she taught me not only how to play with myself but how to play with her and she did the same to me. I thought it was cool. It felt really good, it didn’t hurt, and she wanted to share and be with me. I truly didn’t realize there was anything wrong in what we were doing.
To Whom It May Concern
To Whom It May Concern,
Amy does not live at any of the places you use to contact her at. It has been decided that she is too fucked up to be allowed to have any more friends or family. As she is a fuck up and fucks up everything and everyone she touches she has been deemed unfit to be involved in any way with any thing that might somehow touch someone else’s life and thereby fuck it up. She is going to withdraw and remain out of the way of anything remotely close to good people and a real life. She has proven repeatedly that all she does is leave damage in her wake and it is unfair to those she does this to.
Do not take this as she is going to do something stupid. She is just going to keep to herself and by herself, as she is tired and weary of all that she manages to mess up even though she tries not to. She and you will be better off if she stays alone and out of the way. This should circumvent any pain or sorrow both on her part and on yours. She will not snub or ignore anyone as it is not her way but she will no longer seek out or initiate any type of conversation or contact.
She cares for and will miss all concerned but this is the only thing she can think of to do that she has left so that she can save those around her the problems that she inevitable causes. If you chose to contact her, she will respond. However, this is the last outgoing unsolicited contact she will make with anyone who means anything to her in anyway. Thank you all for your time, help and concern. Her apologies for any pain she has caused and for any issues she may have instigated.
The Committee for the Relief from Amy
Amy does not live at any of the places you use to contact her at. It has been decided that she is too fucked up to be allowed to have any more friends or family. As she is a fuck up and fucks up everything and everyone she touches she has been deemed unfit to be involved in any way with any thing that might somehow touch someone else’s life and thereby fuck it up. She is going to withdraw and remain out of the way of anything remotely close to good people and a real life. She has proven repeatedly that all she does is leave damage in her wake and it is unfair to those she does this to.
Do not take this as she is going to do something stupid. She is just going to keep to herself and by herself, as she is tired and weary of all that she manages to mess up even though she tries not to. She and you will be better off if she stays alone and out of the way. This should circumvent any pain or sorrow both on her part and on yours. She will not snub or ignore anyone as it is not her way but she will no longer seek out or initiate any type of conversation or contact.
She cares for and will miss all concerned but this is the only thing she can think of to do that she has left so that she can save those around her the problems that she inevitable causes. If you chose to contact her, she will respond. However, this is the last outgoing unsolicited contact she will make with anyone who means anything to her in anyway. Thank you all for your time, help and concern. Her apologies for any pain she has caused and for any issues she may have instigated.
The Committee for the Relief from Amy
May 5th 2005
This will never go out to You so I don’t have to worry about what I say but by god I am going to say it. You say I think the world revolves around me well honey I have had a damn good teacher. At least I have never stopped and got off the ride like Your doing. I have never totally withdrawn and stopped interacting with those who care about me even when I wanted to because I knew that I would be hurting others in doing so.
You say I didn’t respect Your privacy. You never told me You needed it until after the damage had been done. Why were You just looking for an excuse to hurt me to end our relationship because of Your fear of intimacy. Did things get to hot for You when You realized that my caring and love came totally unconditional and with no strings and You didn’t have to care about me in return?
And what about my fear of abandonment and Your PROMISE to never do that to me and Your PROMISE to let me know when You needed space before it became an issue. You left me hanging for 3 days, waiting, worrying, and scared to death for Your safety and Your sanity. Do You call that Fair. Do You call that not thinking the world revolves around You.
Though I know You don’t know what Your feelings are for me You have professed to care about me as a friend. Well sweetheart its time You looked up the definition again because You seemed to have forgotten it. I gave to You everything I am in every way I could considering the circumstances. I have listened. I have consoled. I have cheered You on and defended You. And this is what I get from our relationship? Ignored. How can You do this to me?
Knowing what You do about me and my fears. What do You want from me? Do You think I allowed You to pull me out of where I was just because I thought it was a good idea? Because I was board? I did it because I wanted to Please You because I wanted to be with You in any way that I could so if it meant leaving the safety of my insanity I was glad to do it and with bells on. God knows I appreciate all that You have done for me and all that You have gone threw with me and because of me.
But this is unacceptable. You are demonstrating behaviors IE: breaking promises, disappearing without word, etc that are saying that You are not healthy for me. and that just cant be right. You are healthier then I am You are more capable then I am You are more stable then I am so what the hell is going on? Are you trying to push me away. To chase me away the way my last ex did? Are You like He not strong enough to be upfront and honest with me and say look I don’t want You any more I don’t want You around Your not what I want Your not good enough for me….Something????
I am such a monster and such a poison to everything I touch that I don’t even warrant an upfront and honest response from You. I have scarred You and scared You so much that You are incapable of confronting me with any kind of finality to this supposed relationship of ours. I thought we deserved more then to end this way. I thought we had come further then this in 4 years. I wait every night by the phone from 10-11pm just waiting to see if You will call like a stupid like puppy hoping beyond hope that You have decided to grace me with Your presence in my life.
Why is it You supposed dominate types have no fucking balls to say shit? In Your own way Your worse then my last ex. Its been You I have trusted with my soul. You have I trusted not to pull the same shit as everyone has on me. of all the people in my life with You my trust WAS total and had no reason to waiver. You have caused me to doubt my trust in You, my faith in You. My feelings for You I never have nor will I ever doubt that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt and I have known for years. as mad and upset and hurt as I am right now I love You. Its that simple and that complicated. As I have always said and still mean You have no responsibility for my feelings and You have no obligation to feel the same. Maybe that is my fear of intimacy issue. I fall in love with a man who has not the capability nor desire to return my love or anyone else’s for that matter. But love You I do and love You I will no matter what happens. I am just thankful that I am capable of loving as my life has not been one to lead You to believe that I could ever be capable of that emotion. But I am and in spades.
I want to spend my life with You. I want to grow Old with You. And dammit if I was capable of it id even want to have children with You and You are the only person in this world I have ever wanted to have children with and who has made me regret getting fixed. I get angry when I get scared I believe that’s normal and when I get angry I get mean again I do believe that is normal as well. And I will be damned if I will apologize for being normal. I don’t know what You are getting out of this I really don’t. I know Your making it so that I am going to have a hard time trusting You if things don’t change really damn soon. Because I don’t have to take this from You or anyone else.
I was ignored by my last ex. I have been threw this once this life time I don’t want to go threw it again. You make me feel every emotion possible. You make me feel alive. You even make me feel special. YOU not anyone else. I feel like I have been betrayed and it hurts in ways I cant even begin to explain. Stupid isn’t it. I couldn’t care who You fucked when or why. But something as simple as not leaving a note when your going to disappear and I feel like You’ve pull the world out from under me. never before have You broken a promise. Never before have You disregard me to this degree.
GOD I hurt. This Is the first time You have ever hurt me. and I don’t like it. I don’t know if You did it intentionally or not I cant bring myself to believe You could. But I just don’t know what to think or feel anymore. May be some day You will read this maybe You wont. But I just had to write all this down before I went episodic again. You’re the only one in my life that means so much to me that little things You do make me trigger. Its not Your fault its mine I know. But god just a note a small note and this would have never happened. Any of it. Christ almighty would You please call me already its been a fucking week as of 4am this coming morning. I remember believe me I remember the last time we spoke and I am hurting dammit. Stop hurting me. please stop hurting me, just be honest with me for fucks sake. God this isn’t helping at all I am typing and typing and its not stopping the hurt or the ache its not accomplishing anything at all except to let me know I am still not talking to You
You say I didn’t respect Your privacy. You never told me You needed it until after the damage had been done. Why were You just looking for an excuse to hurt me to end our relationship because of Your fear of intimacy. Did things get to hot for You when You realized that my caring and love came totally unconditional and with no strings and You didn’t have to care about me in return?
And what about my fear of abandonment and Your PROMISE to never do that to me and Your PROMISE to let me know when You needed space before it became an issue. You left me hanging for 3 days, waiting, worrying, and scared to death for Your safety and Your sanity. Do You call that Fair. Do You call that not thinking the world revolves around You.
Though I know You don’t know what Your feelings are for me You have professed to care about me as a friend. Well sweetheart its time You looked up the definition again because You seemed to have forgotten it. I gave to You everything I am in every way I could considering the circumstances. I have listened. I have consoled. I have cheered You on and defended You. And this is what I get from our relationship? Ignored. How can You do this to me?
Knowing what You do about me and my fears. What do You want from me? Do You think I allowed You to pull me out of where I was just because I thought it was a good idea? Because I was board? I did it because I wanted to Please You because I wanted to be with You in any way that I could so if it meant leaving the safety of my insanity I was glad to do it and with bells on. God knows I appreciate all that You have done for me and all that You have gone threw with me and because of me.
But this is unacceptable. You are demonstrating behaviors IE: breaking promises, disappearing without word, etc that are saying that You are not healthy for me. and that just cant be right. You are healthier then I am You are more capable then I am You are more stable then I am so what the hell is going on? Are you trying to push me away. To chase me away the way my last ex did? Are You like He not strong enough to be upfront and honest with me and say look I don’t want You any more I don’t want You around Your not what I want Your not good enough for me….Something????
I am such a monster and such a poison to everything I touch that I don’t even warrant an upfront and honest response from You. I have scarred You and scared You so much that You are incapable of confronting me with any kind of finality to this supposed relationship of ours. I thought we deserved more then to end this way. I thought we had come further then this in 4 years. I wait every night by the phone from 10-11pm just waiting to see if You will call like a stupid like puppy hoping beyond hope that You have decided to grace me with Your presence in my life.
Why is it You supposed dominate types have no fucking balls to say shit? In Your own way Your worse then my last ex. Its been You I have trusted with my soul. You have I trusted not to pull the same shit as everyone has on me. of all the people in my life with You my trust WAS total and had no reason to waiver. You have caused me to doubt my trust in You, my faith in You. My feelings for You I never have nor will I ever doubt that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt and I have known for years. as mad and upset and hurt as I am right now I love You. Its that simple and that complicated. As I have always said and still mean You have no responsibility for my feelings and You have no obligation to feel the same. Maybe that is my fear of intimacy issue. I fall in love with a man who has not the capability nor desire to return my love or anyone else’s for that matter. But love You I do and love You I will no matter what happens. I am just thankful that I am capable of loving as my life has not been one to lead You to believe that I could ever be capable of that emotion. But I am and in spades.
I want to spend my life with You. I want to grow Old with You. And dammit if I was capable of it id even want to have children with You and You are the only person in this world I have ever wanted to have children with and who has made me regret getting fixed. I get angry when I get scared I believe that’s normal and when I get angry I get mean again I do believe that is normal as well. And I will be damned if I will apologize for being normal. I don’t know what You are getting out of this I really don’t. I know Your making it so that I am going to have a hard time trusting You if things don’t change really damn soon. Because I don’t have to take this from You or anyone else.
I was ignored by my last ex. I have been threw this once this life time I don’t want to go threw it again. You make me feel every emotion possible. You make me feel alive. You even make me feel special. YOU not anyone else. I feel like I have been betrayed and it hurts in ways I cant even begin to explain. Stupid isn’t it. I couldn’t care who You fucked when or why. But something as simple as not leaving a note when your going to disappear and I feel like You’ve pull the world out from under me. never before have You broken a promise. Never before have You disregard me to this degree.
GOD I hurt. This Is the first time You have ever hurt me. and I don’t like it. I don’t know if You did it intentionally or not I cant bring myself to believe You could. But I just don’t know what to think or feel anymore. May be some day You will read this maybe You wont. But I just had to write all this down before I went episodic again. You’re the only one in my life that means so much to me that little things You do make me trigger. Its not Your fault its mine I know. But god just a note a small note and this would have never happened. Any of it. Christ almighty would You please call me already its been a fucking week as of 4am this coming morning. I remember believe me I remember the last time we spoke and I am hurting dammit. Stop hurting me. please stop hurting me, just be honest with me for fucks sake. God this isn’t helping at all I am typing and typing and its not stopping the hurt or the ache its not accomplishing anything at all except to let me know I am still not talking to You
April 29th, For the Love of Lithium
I think You hung up on me. Unless I dialed the wrong number or something. Please, please don’t let me make You turn from me. Dear god the thought of not having You in my life is more devastating then anything else that has happened to me in the last few years. I would rather spend more time in jail then make it so You did not wish to speak with me. And I don’t say that lightly as You know.
I don’t know what to think. You normally tell me if Your not going to speak to me. You have never just stopped, never just abandoned me so I am so worried about there being something wrong as well. I am scared right now. Scared You are hurt, Scared that I have done something so irrevocable that I have finally managed to sever our ties to one another.
I am not sure when my feelings for You actually changed. When the grew deeper then for anyone else I have ever known. I know that it scares me. I also know it makes me feel good as well. You have become an integral part of my life and while I know I can live it without You I would really rather not. I also not that it is not my choice but Yours and that its doubtful You really would want to put up with someone as fucked up as I am.
You say with the right meds I will be fine. I hope You are right. I know that sometimes I take for granted what You provide and what You can handle. And if I have been too much pushed to far then I deserve to be pushed away and turned from. I apologize for being blind at times to You and Your needs and being self serving about my own. I have tried very hard to learn all that You have attempted to teach me and I know I am not a very good student at times. I don’t know if I have ever really thanked you for all that You have done for me and put up with from me. But if I haven’t please know that I do thank you and appreciate it more then any words I may say or write.
Last nights writings were suppose to convey just how upset I was at myself for causing You issues I haven’t reread it yet but I do hope that its not why Your unavailable today and I hope even more that it is because otherwise something is wrong on Your side and I don’t know what or to what extent.
So here I sit hoping You are just pissed at me and hoping Your not because I don’t know if Your safe or not and I would rather You be pissed at me then not safe. So please please let me know as soon as You can that Your ok. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on and not go into a full panic worrying about You.
I don’t know what to think. You normally tell me if Your not going to speak to me. You have never just stopped, never just abandoned me so I am so worried about there being something wrong as well. I am scared right now. Scared You are hurt, Scared that I have done something so irrevocable that I have finally managed to sever our ties to one another.
I am not sure when my feelings for You actually changed. When the grew deeper then for anyone else I have ever known. I know that it scares me. I also know it makes me feel good as well. You have become an integral part of my life and while I know I can live it without You I would really rather not. I also not that it is not my choice but Yours and that its doubtful You really would want to put up with someone as fucked up as I am.
You say with the right meds I will be fine. I hope You are right. I know that sometimes I take for granted what You provide and what You can handle. And if I have been too much pushed to far then I deserve to be pushed away and turned from. I apologize for being blind at times to You and Your needs and being self serving about my own. I have tried very hard to learn all that You have attempted to teach me and I know I am not a very good student at times. I don’t know if I have ever really thanked you for all that You have done for me and put up with from me. But if I haven’t please know that I do thank you and appreciate it more then any words I may say or write.
Last nights writings were suppose to convey just how upset I was at myself for causing You issues I haven’t reread it yet but I do hope that its not why Your unavailable today and I hope even more that it is because otherwise something is wrong on Your side and I don’t know what or to what extent.
So here I sit hoping You are just pissed at me and hoping Your not because I don’t know if Your safe or not and I would rather You be pissed at me then not safe. So please please let me know as soon as You can that Your ok. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on and not go into a full panic worrying about You.
Manic Journal Entry July 10, 2005 3am
Manic Journal Entry July 10, 2005 3am
I cant sleep tonight….i cant seem to calm down…I am board to death…and horny as hell….i am stressed…I am lonely… I think I am getting ready for a real manic swing and a fierce one at that…I need…I don’t know what the fuck I need I just need…..i need to be held…I need to be comforted….i need human contact….i need to feel good again…I am tired of felling like this all the time and just telling everyone how much better I am feeling how much more stable I am….i don’t want to be stable I don’t want to be here…I don’t want to feel all of this all at once… I want to go back to being numb…I want to go back to not feeling anything…of not caring…I want to go back to drinking I want to go back to smoking,…..i want to go back to forgetting….i don’t want to remember any more I don’t want to think about it I don’t want to see it all over again in my head….i don’t want this ……so why why why am I fighting so hard for this sanity…. For this stability….why am I fighting so hard for something I don’t even want…..why do I care what others think…why do I care how they feel…why should I give to shits about any other living soul in this world….when has anyone in my life ever really given two shits about me and meant it….and why why after all I do for those in my life is nothing returned….why do I always come up empty handed…always alone…..alone…..never anyone there to hold to cuddle to feel….to help me remember what it means to be human….why am I so ugly inside and out….nothing I do makes anything better…I am as undesirable now as I have ever been…no matter what changes I make on a mental or physical level I am still unattractive, undesirable, unwanted by anyone except those who are like me….ignored…left behind….trash….people no one wants…dispensable people usable people that you hope go away when your done with them…why cant I be one of the pretty people….why cant I be liked, desired, attractive to the pretty people…what have I done to deserve to be trash…always thrown aside…always left to rot in the recess of humanities thoughts….fuck this thought process…fuck theses feelings…and fuck this manic….am extra med or two and I ll be sleeping anyway and it will all go away for a little while…………………….
I cant sleep tonight….i cant seem to calm down…I am board to death…and horny as hell….i am stressed…I am lonely… I think I am getting ready for a real manic swing and a fierce one at that…I need…I don’t know what the fuck I need I just need…..i need to be held…I need to be comforted….i need human contact….i need to feel good again…I am tired of felling like this all the time and just telling everyone how much better I am feeling how much more stable I am….i don’t want to be stable I don’t want to be here…I don’t want to feel all of this all at once… I want to go back to being numb…I want to go back to not feeling anything…of not caring…I want to go back to drinking I want to go back to smoking,…..i want to go back to forgetting….i don’t want to remember any more I don’t want to think about it I don’t want to see it all over again in my head….i don’t want this ……so why why why am I fighting so hard for this sanity…. For this stability….why am I fighting so hard for something I don’t even want…..why do I care what others think…why do I care how they feel…why should I give to shits about any other living soul in this world….when has anyone in my life ever really given two shits about me and meant it….and why why after all I do for those in my life is nothing returned….why do I always come up empty handed…always alone…..alone…..never anyone there to hold to cuddle to feel….to help me remember what it means to be human….why am I so ugly inside and out….nothing I do makes anything better…I am as undesirable now as I have ever been…no matter what changes I make on a mental or physical level I am still unattractive, undesirable, unwanted by anyone except those who are like me….ignored…left behind….trash….people no one wants…dispensable people usable people that you hope go away when your done with them…why cant I be one of the pretty people….why cant I be liked, desired, attractive to the pretty people…what have I done to deserve to be trash…always thrown aside…always left to rot in the recess of humanities thoughts….fuck this thought process…fuck theses feelings…and fuck this manic….am extra med or two and I ll be sleeping anyway and it will all go away for a little while…………………….
Hey Hon
Hey Hon,
Just a few more stray thoughts. You scare me. You frighten me. You make me smile and laugh. You make me angry. You mean the world to me. You always have. As we have gotten closer over the last few months, which btw I didn’t think was possible, I have gotten more scared and excited. IF and I know it’s a big IF our chance actually gets a chance I have more to lose with You then I have with any other person in my life ever.
With you I have no secrets, I have no lies, You know me to bone and back. With You I would not be able to hide, or run, or control, or procrastinate. With You I have to be me. I have no choices save to be me. Can You imagine after a life time of running and hiding just how scary this all is to me? At the same time I am so excited I can barely contain myself. Dreams don’t come true for me. Wishes don’t happen. Everything always ends up twisted and almost evil compared to its original expectations.
I want to say You make me but its not appropriate, with You I feel things I never thought I could, things I knew I never wanted to for fear of the pain involved. There are days I hate You for that as much as love You for it. You’re the only one in this world I have ever allowed to treat me like a two year old as You’re the only one I have ever trusted to do it because it was necessary.
I cant apologize enough for those calls. I just wish I had known so that I hadn’t made them. I know it should have been evident but it wasn’t. My esp sucks hon. And all I could think was something horrible had happened because my god things were going so well between us and there was actually a chance for a chance so I just knew when I didn’t hear from You that something had to be wrong.
I realize also that I may not hear from You for quite awhile now as I have been so manic. That I have earned for not being able to regain control of myself before writing. And before someone else tells You I was hitting laura’s bottle of fire water last night. I had wound my self up so bad even the meds weren’t bringing me down. And it was not a pleasant manic so I did the only thing I knew to do when I am on my own and nothings working and there is no one available to help me talk myself down. I self medicated. I didn’t drink a lot only 2-3 shots it took the edge off enough for me to be able to regain control by the time the buzz wore off which took at most an hour. I know You probably are sitting there reading this thinking how stupid I am and glad Your not dealing with me.
I guess I just don’t know how to feel right now. I have been having a server mixed episode this week and due to the fact I do know more about it and I am better then I use to be about control this stupid shit I can really feel it. But I have also observed that I am learning something new out of each episode because I can feel them now.
When I am depressed I need to talk myself up. And it seems to need to be with someone whom is stronger then I am in most cases a Dominate type. When I am manic I need to talk out or down to focus my thoughts and just someone who understands any of the situations I end up talking about works just fine. When I get angry which is a new feeling for me as I haven’t been able to get angry in really long time I just need to vent again to whom is not an issue. I do believe that had I had another outlet, someone to talk to while You disappeared, Your disappearance might not of scared me quite so bad.
Well I guess I aught to shut up now and mail this as I would like You to get it before 10pm just in case Your calling. Oh if it isn’t an issue, just so I know what I can plan for my evening if Your not going to call for awhile could You let me know? Or if when You happen to know just Type a Y or something in to yahoo so that I can catch it. I really don’t want to miss any of Your calls but I don’t know that I want to sit hit every night waiting to see if You will. I hope that didn’t sound to bad. And You don’t have to or anything its just a thought that’s all. As You know I don’t have much of life anyway. Thanks Hon
Written May 3, 2005
Just a few more stray thoughts. You scare me. You frighten me. You make me smile and laugh. You make me angry. You mean the world to me. You always have. As we have gotten closer over the last few months, which btw I didn’t think was possible, I have gotten more scared and excited. IF and I know it’s a big IF our chance actually gets a chance I have more to lose with You then I have with any other person in my life ever.
With you I have no secrets, I have no lies, You know me to bone and back. With You I would not be able to hide, or run, or control, or procrastinate. With You I have to be me. I have no choices save to be me. Can You imagine after a life time of running and hiding just how scary this all is to me? At the same time I am so excited I can barely contain myself. Dreams don’t come true for me. Wishes don’t happen. Everything always ends up twisted and almost evil compared to its original expectations.
I want to say You make me but its not appropriate, with You I feel things I never thought I could, things I knew I never wanted to for fear of the pain involved. There are days I hate You for that as much as love You for it. You’re the only one in this world I have ever allowed to treat me like a two year old as You’re the only one I have ever trusted to do it because it was necessary.
I cant apologize enough for those calls. I just wish I had known so that I hadn’t made them. I know it should have been evident but it wasn’t. My esp sucks hon. And all I could think was something horrible had happened because my god things were going so well between us and there was actually a chance for a chance so I just knew when I didn’t hear from You that something had to be wrong.
I realize also that I may not hear from You for quite awhile now as I have been so manic. That I have earned for not being able to regain control of myself before writing. And before someone else tells You I was hitting laura’s bottle of fire water last night. I had wound my self up so bad even the meds weren’t bringing me down. And it was not a pleasant manic so I did the only thing I knew to do when I am on my own and nothings working and there is no one available to help me talk myself down. I self medicated. I didn’t drink a lot only 2-3 shots it took the edge off enough for me to be able to regain control by the time the buzz wore off which took at most an hour. I know You probably are sitting there reading this thinking how stupid I am and glad Your not dealing with me.
I guess I just don’t know how to feel right now. I have been having a server mixed episode this week and due to the fact I do know more about it and I am better then I use to be about control this stupid shit I can really feel it. But I have also observed that I am learning something new out of each episode because I can feel them now.
When I am depressed I need to talk myself up. And it seems to need to be with someone whom is stronger then I am in most cases a Dominate type. When I am manic I need to talk out or down to focus my thoughts and just someone who understands any of the situations I end up talking about works just fine. When I get angry which is a new feeling for me as I haven’t been able to get angry in really long time I just need to vent again to whom is not an issue. I do believe that had I had another outlet, someone to talk to while You disappeared, Your disappearance might not of scared me quite so bad.
Well I guess I aught to shut up now and mail this as I would like You to get it before 10pm just in case Your calling. Oh if it isn’t an issue, just so I know what I can plan for my evening if Your not going to call for awhile could You let me know? Or if when You happen to know just Type a Y or something in to yahoo so that I can catch it. I really don’t want to miss any of Your calls but I don’t know that I want to sit hit every night waiting to see if You will. I hope that didn’t sound to bad. And You don’t have to or anything its just a thought that’s all. As You know I don’t have much of life anyway. Thanks Hon
Written May 3, 2005
Sex or lack there of
God! You don’t know how good it was to speak with You tonight. While you are not my whole world as I have learned not to do that the hard way. You are the only thing that makes sense in my world and You’re the only one who makes my world make sense.
I can talk to 20 different people but no matter what state I am in You’re the one that makes it make sense. I know that probably sounds totally stupid. But I don’t know how else to explain it. Its not co-dependency as that feels different. You like a piece to my puzzle. And I just don’t know how to handle it Yet when that piece is missing. But I will learn how and I will research it and talk to the therapists about it because I will be god damned if I end up chasing You away because I am freaking all the time. Maybe a little separation anxiety there as this has been the longest we have gone without speaking. And no I don’t see You as a parental figure. Your cocks much better then that thing my father use to run around the house dangling.
The depth to which I feel when Your not around scares me. its requiring that I have a trust and a faith are deeper then I have ever given anyone. Honestly I thought I had given them to You already but apparently not as much as I thought and this doesn’t make me happy to realize I still have some unresolved trust and faith issues and that they are spilling over into our relationship. Hell I am getting ready to look for a couples counselor that will do one person. I know it sounds stupid but of all the chances I have had to get things right in my life this is the only one I truly don’t want to fuck up and will do everything in my power not to fuck up.
And the reason I am writing is so I don’t have to say any of this or feel a need to say any of this when we talk again. Unless there is something specifically within this letter that You feel a need to talk about. I guess it boils down to there are finally things in my life that I want to stay there and I am willing to do anything to see that they do. Like college, and a chance to see if we can survive without killing one another. Which just for the record if I haven’t yet said it coherently. It was the 3 day no show no note that triggered me not the rest of them time. All my triggered little mind could think was He broke a promise. He’s never done that before. And it flipped me sideways with everything else that was going on but its still Not an excuse just a reasoning as to how I went nuts. Well more nuts then I already am. Its 5am I am to tired to sleep, to frustrated due to lack of orgasm as i cant event get there on my own. I couldn’t even reach it with him sitting up against me. I am to pathetic for words at times. I cant deal with non dominate males. I just cant. Well any way I have a bitch of a headache as I am trying to quit smoking again don’t know how long that will last. And I am too tired to email this out at the moment so I will do it ether when I wake up, if I fall asleep or some time later when I am in the mood…Hope to speak to You soon and I pray to GOD Your in the mood for phone sex but most likely You wont be *sigh* any way will be wonderful to Your voice again even if all You feel like doing is bitching at me. I will just shut up and savor the sound I have missed for over a week. Take care and talk to You soon. Huggs for when You want them
Written May 9th 2005
I can talk to 20 different people but no matter what state I am in You’re the one that makes it make sense. I know that probably sounds totally stupid. But I don’t know how else to explain it. Its not co-dependency as that feels different. You like a piece to my puzzle. And I just don’t know how to handle it Yet when that piece is missing. But I will learn how and I will research it and talk to the therapists about it because I will be god damned if I end up chasing You away because I am freaking all the time. Maybe a little separation anxiety there as this has been the longest we have gone without speaking. And no I don’t see You as a parental figure. Your cocks much better then that thing my father use to run around the house dangling.
The depth to which I feel when Your not around scares me. its requiring that I have a trust and a faith are deeper then I have ever given anyone. Honestly I thought I had given them to You already but apparently not as much as I thought and this doesn’t make me happy to realize I still have some unresolved trust and faith issues and that they are spilling over into our relationship. Hell I am getting ready to look for a couples counselor that will do one person. I know it sounds stupid but of all the chances I have had to get things right in my life this is the only one I truly don’t want to fuck up and will do everything in my power not to fuck up.
And the reason I am writing is so I don’t have to say any of this or feel a need to say any of this when we talk again. Unless there is something specifically within this letter that You feel a need to talk about. I guess it boils down to there are finally things in my life that I want to stay there and I am willing to do anything to see that they do. Like college, and a chance to see if we can survive without killing one another. Which just for the record if I haven’t yet said it coherently. It was the 3 day no show no note that triggered me not the rest of them time. All my triggered little mind could think was He broke a promise. He’s never done that before. And it flipped me sideways with everything else that was going on but its still Not an excuse just a reasoning as to how I went nuts. Well more nuts then I already am. Its 5am I am to tired to sleep, to frustrated due to lack of orgasm as i cant event get there on my own. I couldn’t even reach it with him sitting up against me. I am to pathetic for words at times. I cant deal with non dominate males. I just cant. Well any way I have a bitch of a headache as I am trying to quit smoking again don’t know how long that will last. And I am too tired to email this out at the moment so I will do it ether when I wake up, if I fall asleep or some time later when I am in the mood…Hope to speak to You soon and I pray to GOD Your in the mood for phone sex but most likely You wont be *sigh* any way will be wonderful to Your voice again even if all You feel like doing is bitching at me. I will just shut up and savor the sound I have missed for over a week. Take care and talk to You soon. Huggs for when You want them
Written May 9th 2005
Definitions of Co-Dependancy
Definitions of Co-Dependancy
a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members to survive in a family experiancing a great emotional painand stress...Behaviors...passed on generation to generation whether alocoholism is present or not. **Johnson Institute of Minneapolis.
Those self-defeating learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate, or participate, in a loving relationships. **Earnie Larsen
A person who has let someone else's behavior effect him or her, and is obssessed with controlling other people's behavior. **Melody Beattie
An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules:
*Dont feel of talk about feelings
*Dont think
*Dont identify, talk about or solve problmes
*Dont be who you are, be good,right, strong, and perfect
*Dont be selfish, take care of others and neglect yourself
*Dont have fun, dont be silly or enjoy life.
*DOnt trust other people or yourself
*DOnt be vulnerable
*Dont be direct
*DOnt get close to people
*Dont grow,change or in any way rock the familys boat
And enforced with the following messages:
*I am not lovable
*I dont deserve good things
*I ll never succeed
**Robert Subby
a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members to survive in a family experiancing a great emotional painand stress...Behaviors...passed on generation to generation whether alocoholism is present or not. **Johnson Institute of Minneapolis.
Those self-defeating learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate, or participate, in a loving relationships. **Earnie Larsen
A person who has let someone else's behavior effect him or her, and is obssessed with controlling other people's behavior. **Melody Beattie
An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules:
*Dont feel of talk about feelings
*Dont think
*Dont identify, talk about or solve problmes
*Dont be who you are, be good,right, strong, and perfect
*Dont be selfish, take care of others and neglect yourself
*Dont have fun, dont be silly or enjoy life.
*DOnt trust other people or yourself
*DOnt be vulnerable
*Dont be direct
*DOnt get close to people
*Dont grow,change or in any way rock the familys boat
And enforced with the following messages:
*I am not lovable
*I dont deserve good things
*I ll never succeed
**Robert Subby
Bipolar holistic Treatment for Bipolar Disorder
Bipolar holistic Treatment for Bipolar Disorder by Terry J. Coyier Aug. 21, 2002
Bipolar Disorder is one of the most difficult to treat. Not only is it difficult to find the right medicine recipe for each person, patient compliance is a major obstacle. Some people suffer debilitating side effects or cannot tolerate the high dosages of some medications. Some start feeling better and make a conscious decision to stop taking their medications. Others simply don’t like taking medication at all.
Some of these same people will turn to vitamins, health supplements and holistic answers instead. Herein lays the problem. It seems to me that the general population is much more willing to trust the claims on vitamins bottles and health supplements than that of prescription medications that are governed by the FDA. Who is it that regulates vitamins and health supplements’ the ‘natural healing fairy?
Well, come to find out, many studies are being conducted on holistic approaches to bipolar treatment and they are being funded by organizations like The Stanley Organization, National Institute of Health and the National Institute of Mental Health. Some important organizations are taking notice that maybe there is something to this ‘natural’ approach. Maybe there is and maybe there isn’t. I am convinced that doing everything possible to make this illness more bearable is worth a shot, but I’m not willing to give up my medication yet and neither are any of the organizations funding the studies.
Nothing that you read here is meant to replace any advice that you are given by a trained professional. The information is simply what I researched and the claims may or may not be accurate. Please do not try any holistic approach without consulting with your physician or psychiatrist first. Also, all of these approaches, by their own admission are to be used as an adjunct to psychiatric medications. In other words, they are meant to help reduce the dosage, not replace the medicine all together.
VITAMINS & MINERALS
Mood Stabilizing Substances
Lecithin (Phosphatidyl Choline)
L-Taurine (Amino Acid)
GABA (Amino Acid)
To Fight Depression
B- Complex
Folic Acid
B1 (Thiamin)
B6
B-12
Magnesium & Calcium
Manganese
Zinc
L-Tyrosine
Methionine
L-Phenylalynine & DL-Phenylalynine
L-Triptophan (Amino Acid)
Most of these vitamins and minerals can be found in a good multivitamin. The ones that are separate supplements should be verified with your doctor before you go spend a lot of money on them. I didn’t even start taking my multivitamin without checking it out with my psychiatrist first ‘ but then I’m a little anal when it comes to managing my bipolar and my money. I don’t know about your insurance but mine doesn’t cover vitamins.
ST JOHN’S WART
This is the supplement that we’ve all heard does wonders for depression. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but marketing and advertising people create all that hype. I know this, because I work in advertising. I found tons of information on St John’s Wart (SJW) and most of it echoed the same warnings, that bipolar patients should use extreme caution and consult their physicians before attempting to use it. I know I won’t be adding it to my recipe. The only time it seems to be recommended is for people with very mild depression who almost don’t need to take prescription medication and they still suggest checking with your doctor.
Researchers at Harvard Medical School believe that SJW could be a mania trigger for those who are bipolar but who haven’t experienced a manic episode yet. This is similar to what some antidepressants do to people with bipolar. It can also precipitate hypomanic states or rapid cycling. They mentioned that if you have bipolar you should use extreme caution and confer with your doctor before hand.
In Feb 2000, the FDA released a public health advisory warning that there was a risk of dangerous interactions between SJW and certain prescription medications. Bipolar meds included mainly the Tricyclic Antidepressants (TCA’s) Tofranil, Asendin & Elavil and the anti-convulsant Tegretol. It is assumed that the similar TCA’s Vivactil and Palemor and the similar anti-convulsant Trileptal could also be in the risk group.
There are also reports that when SJW is combined with Serotonin Selective Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI’s) it can cause Serotonin Syndrome. Symptoms of Serotonin Syndrome symptoms can include dizziness, cognitive difficulty, faintness when standing or walking, unsteadiness when walking, muscle spasms and a racing heart beat. Do not combine SJW with any SSRI’s or with the newly FDA approved Tamoxifen that is used for depression.
OMEGA-3 FATTY ACIDS
Omega-3 Polyunsaturated fatty acids (Omega-3) are found in fish, fish oil and flax seeds. Yummy! You can bet I was not too excited about the thought of fish oil as a cure for bipolar. Oddly enough, every bit of information I found on Omega-3 was positive. Positive that is as an adjunct to standard bipolar medications. So for people who cannot tolerate high doses or the side effects of their medications, this is something to check out with your doctor.
Many studies have been done, but the one I read most about was a 4 month double-blind placebo controlled study comparing 9.6 g/day of Omega-3 vs. olive oil in 30 patients (Stoll et al., 1999). 8 co-authors concluded that not only were the Omega 3’s well tolerated, but the improved the short term course of the patients with bipolar. They would not suggest using Omega-3 as a first line treatment but would try it for patients who had failed with other medications. Omega-3 should only be used alone in patients with a very mild form of the illness.
Patients seem to be quite interested in the Omega-3’s because they are a natural supplement with very few side effects and little or no toxic effects. The only reported symptom was mild gastrointestinal distress ‘generally characterized by loose stools. Many psychiatric medications have this same effect along with a myriad of other more unpleasant ones. If my meds plagued me with a tremendous number of side effects, I would certainly be looking into this one myself.
TRUEHOPE (Synergy Group of Canada, Ltd.)
If you haven’t heard about this one, it’s pretty interesting ‘ depending on how you look at it. Personally I thought they were a couple of quacks until I started investigating it deeper. I mean, when all you know is that it started out with supplements that they give to pigs who are prone to ear and tail biting, you have to be a little skeptical. Don’t you’
Well, they didn’t start with actual pig nutrients; the biologist of the pair, David Hardy created a supplement for humans that were then given to Anthony Stephan’s 2 bipolar children. You can read the entire story at their website, referenced below. The supplement was named EM Power and consists of common minerals, vitamins and amino acids. In fact, the ingredients are so common that they cannot receive a patent for their work.
Several small independent studies were done through individual doctors with small numbers of patients. The results were good ‘ up to a 50% reduction in symptoms compared to when the patients were on psychotropic drugs. Then Harvard psychiatrist Charles Popper monitored 15 patients within his own practice and the results were reported in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry. Of the 15 patients that were treated, 11 were stable for 6 ‘ 9 months without taking psychiatric medications. They also did research with Dr. Bonnie Kaplan, PhD. This helped get a grant of a half million dollars to do a placebo-controlled double blind study of 100 bipolar patients at the University of Calgary.
The two drawbacks with EM Power (besides it’s odd origins) are that it isn’t cheap and it’s a lot of pills to take. Initial treatment requires 32 capsules per day until your symptoms disappear and the cost is approximately $220.00 a month. The maintenance dose averages 16 capsules a day. It is safe for children as well ‘ as long as they can take that many pills.
ACUPUNCTURE
Boy did I find a ton of information on the treatment of depression and bipolar with the ancient Chinese art of acupuncture. What I didn’t find was any proof. No real trials with quantifiable results. I did find one small study done at the University Of Arizona College Of Medicine, which simply reported positive results using it for major and unipolar depression. That was it.
That was it except for 2 major grants being given to the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center in Dallas (where I am trying to get in on some studies!). Both the National Institute of Mental Health and the National Institute of Health have awarded UT Southwestern significant grants to study the effects of acupuncture. NIMH’s grant with be used to study bipolar patients in their depressive states. The NIH grant will be used for a study similar to the one done at the University of Arizona.
The NIMH trial is the first being conducted regarding acupuncture as an adjunct to medication for bipolar disorder. Once again, not a full cure, but the possibility of reducing medications to tolerable levels.
So, after all of this am I still a skeptic’ Sure I am. I’m skeptical of everything until I see proof ‘ but that’s just me. Am I skeptical of ‘holistic Healing’ ‘ using holistic methods with psychiatric medications and anything else you can do to make your life better’ No. I think there are some great alternative options available for those who cannot handle the symptoms or for those who seem to get little or no results from psychiatric medications. My biggest concern is that if you try any of these, please check with your doctor so that you can work together at managing your bipolar. Don’t go it alone!
Bipolar World © 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002
Founder: Colleen Sullivan
Bipolar World Partners: Allie Bloom, John Haeckel, Kaycee Supak
Bipolar World Advisers: Rednut, Twopoles
Bipolar Disorder is one of the most difficult to treat. Not only is it difficult to find the right medicine recipe for each person, patient compliance is a major obstacle. Some people suffer debilitating side effects or cannot tolerate the high dosages of some medications. Some start feeling better and make a conscious decision to stop taking their medications. Others simply don’t like taking medication at all.
Some of these same people will turn to vitamins, health supplements and holistic answers instead. Herein lays the problem. It seems to me that the general population is much more willing to trust the claims on vitamins bottles and health supplements than that of prescription medications that are governed by the FDA. Who is it that regulates vitamins and health supplements’ the ‘natural healing fairy?
Well, come to find out, many studies are being conducted on holistic approaches to bipolar treatment and they are being funded by organizations like The Stanley Organization, National Institute of Health and the National Institute of Mental Health. Some important organizations are taking notice that maybe there is something to this ‘natural’ approach. Maybe there is and maybe there isn’t. I am convinced that doing everything possible to make this illness more bearable is worth a shot, but I’m not willing to give up my medication yet and neither are any of the organizations funding the studies.
Nothing that you read here is meant to replace any advice that you are given by a trained professional. The information is simply what I researched and the claims may or may not be accurate. Please do not try any holistic approach without consulting with your physician or psychiatrist first. Also, all of these approaches, by their own admission are to be used as an adjunct to psychiatric medications. In other words, they are meant to help reduce the dosage, not replace the medicine all together.
VITAMINS & MINERALS
Mood Stabilizing Substances
Lecithin (Phosphatidyl Choline)
L-Taurine (Amino Acid)
GABA (Amino Acid)
To Fight Depression
B- Complex
Folic Acid
B1 (Thiamin)
B6
B-12
Magnesium & Calcium
Manganese
Zinc
L-Tyrosine
Methionine
L-Phenylalynine & DL-Phenylalynine
L-Triptophan (Amino Acid)
Most of these vitamins and minerals can be found in a good multivitamin. The ones that are separate supplements should be verified with your doctor before you go spend a lot of money on them. I didn’t even start taking my multivitamin without checking it out with my psychiatrist first ‘ but then I’m a little anal when it comes to managing my bipolar and my money. I don’t know about your insurance but mine doesn’t cover vitamins.
ST JOHN’S WART
This is the supplement that we’ve all heard does wonders for depression. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but marketing and advertising people create all that hype. I know this, because I work in advertising. I found tons of information on St John’s Wart (SJW) and most of it echoed the same warnings, that bipolar patients should use extreme caution and consult their physicians before attempting to use it. I know I won’t be adding it to my recipe. The only time it seems to be recommended is for people with very mild depression who almost don’t need to take prescription medication and they still suggest checking with your doctor.
Researchers at Harvard Medical School believe that SJW could be a mania trigger for those who are bipolar but who haven’t experienced a manic episode yet. This is similar to what some antidepressants do to people with bipolar. It can also precipitate hypomanic states or rapid cycling. They mentioned that if you have bipolar you should use extreme caution and confer with your doctor before hand.
In Feb 2000, the FDA released a public health advisory warning that there was a risk of dangerous interactions between SJW and certain prescription medications. Bipolar meds included mainly the Tricyclic Antidepressants (TCA’s) Tofranil, Asendin & Elavil and the anti-convulsant Tegretol. It is assumed that the similar TCA’s Vivactil and Palemor and the similar anti-convulsant Trileptal could also be in the risk group.
There are also reports that when SJW is combined with Serotonin Selective Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI’s) it can cause Serotonin Syndrome. Symptoms of Serotonin Syndrome symptoms can include dizziness, cognitive difficulty, faintness when standing or walking, unsteadiness when walking, muscle spasms and a racing heart beat. Do not combine SJW with any SSRI’s or with the newly FDA approved Tamoxifen that is used for depression.
OMEGA-3 FATTY ACIDS
Omega-3 Polyunsaturated fatty acids (Omega-3) are found in fish, fish oil and flax seeds. Yummy! You can bet I was not too excited about the thought of fish oil as a cure for bipolar. Oddly enough, every bit of information I found on Omega-3 was positive. Positive that is as an adjunct to standard bipolar medications. So for people who cannot tolerate high doses or the side effects of their medications, this is something to check out with your doctor.
Many studies have been done, but the one I read most about was a 4 month double-blind placebo controlled study comparing 9.6 g/day of Omega-3 vs. olive oil in 30 patients (Stoll et al., 1999). 8 co-authors concluded that not only were the Omega 3’s well tolerated, but the improved the short term course of the patients with bipolar. They would not suggest using Omega-3 as a first line treatment but would try it for patients who had failed with other medications. Omega-3 should only be used alone in patients with a very mild form of the illness.
Patients seem to be quite interested in the Omega-3’s because they are a natural supplement with very few side effects and little or no toxic effects. The only reported symptom was mild gastrointestinal distress ‘generally characterized by loose stools. Many psychiatric medications have this same effect along with a myriad of other more unpleasant ones. If my meds plagued me with a tremendous number of side effects, I would certainly be looking into this one myself.
TRUEHOPE (Synergy Group of Canada, Ltd.)
If you haven’t heard about this one, it’s pretty interesting ‘ depending on how you look at it. Personally I thought they were a couple of quacks until I started investigating it deeper. I mean, when all you know is that it started out with supplements that they give to pigs who are prone to ear and tail biting, you have to be a little skeptical. Don’t you’
Well, they didn’t start with actual pig nutrients; the biologist of the pair, David Hardy created a supplement for humans that were then given to Anthony Stephan’s 2 bipolar children. You can read the entire story at their website, referenced below. The supplement was named EM Power and consists of common minerals, vitamins and amino acids. In fact, the ingredients are so common that they cannot receive a patent for their work.
Several small independent studies were done through individual doctors with small numbers of patients. The results were good ‘ up to a 50% reduction in symptoms compared to when the patients were on psychotropic drugs. Then Harvard psychiatrist Charles Popper monitored 15 patients within his own practice and the results were reported in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry. Of the 15 patients that were treated, 11 were stable for 6 ‘ 9 months without taking psychiatric medications. They also did research with Dr. Bonnie Kaplan, PhD. This helped get a grant of a half million dollars to do a placebo-controlled double blind study of 100 bipolar patients at the University of Calgary.
The two drawbacks with EM Power (besides it’s odd origins) are that it isn’t cheap and it’s a lot of pills to take. Initial treatment requires 32 capsules per day until your symptoms disappear and the cost is approximately $220.00 a month. The maintenance dose averages 16 capsules a day. It is safe for children as well ‘ as long as they can take that many pills.
ACUPUNCTURE
Boy did I find a ton of information on the treatment of depression and bipolar with the ancient Chinese art of acupuncture. What I didn’t find was any proof. No real trials with quantifiable results. I did find one small study done at the University Of Arizona College Of Medicine, which simply reported positive results using it for major and unipolar depression. That was it.
That was it except for 2 major grants being given to the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center in Dallas (where I am trying to get in on some studies!). Both the National Institute of Mental Health and the National Institute of Health have awarded UT Southwestern significant grants to study the effects of acupuncture. NIMH’s grant with be used to study bipolar patients in their depressive states. The NIH grant will be used for a study similar to the one done at the University of Arizona.
The NIMH trial is the first being conducted regarding acupuncture as an adjunct to medication for bipolar disorder. Once again, not a full cure, but the possibility of reducing medications to tolerable levels.
So, after all of this am I still a skeptic’ Sure I am. I’m skeptical of everything until I see proof ‘ but that’s just me. Am I skeptical of ‘holistic Healing’ ‘ using holistic methods with psychiatric medications and anything else you can do to make your life better’ No. I think there are some great alternative options available for those who cannot handle the symptoms or for those who seem to get little or no results from psychiatric medications. My biggest concern is that if you try any of these, please check with your doctor so that you can work together at managing your bipolar. Don’t go it alone!
Bipolar World © 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002
Founder: Colleen Sullivan
Bipolar World Partners: Allie Bloom, John Haeckel, Kaycee Supak
Bipolar World Advisers: Rednut, Twopoles
God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder
God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder
NEW HAVEN, CT—In a diagnosis that helps explain the confusing and contradictory aspects of the cosmos that have baffled philosophers, theologians, and other students of the human condition for millennia, God, creator of the universe and long-time deity to billions of followers, was found Monday to suffer from bipolar disorder.
The Lord, found to be manic-depressive by Rev. Dr. Jurgens. Rev. Dr. J. Henry Jurgens, a practicing psychiatrist and doctor of divinity at Yale University Divinity School, announced the historic diagnosis at a press conference.
"I always knew there had to be some explanation," Jurgens said. "And, after several years of patient research and long sessions with God Almighty through the intercessionary medium of prayer, I was able to pinpoint the specific nature of His problem." Bipolar, or manic-depressive, disorder is a condition that afflicts millions. Characterized by cycles of elation followed by bouts of profound depression and despair, the disorder can wreak havoc on both the sufferer and his or her loved ones, particularly if it goes undetected and untreated for an extended period. Though the condition is estimated to affect, in one form or another, 5 percent of the world's population, Monday marks the first time it has been diagnosed in a major deity.
Evidence of God's manic-depression can be found throughout the Universe, from the white-hot explosiveness of quasars to the cold, lifeless vacuum of space. However, theologians note, humanity's exposure to God's affliction comes primarily through His confusing propensity to alternately reward and punish His creations with little rhyme or reason. "Last week, I lost my dear husband Walter to the flood," said housewife and devout churchgoer Elaine Froman of Davenport, IA. "I asked myself, 'Why? Why would God do something like this, especially when He had just helped Walter overcome a long battle with colon cancer, and we were so happy that we finally had a chance to start our lives anew?'" New York attorney Ruth Kanner also gained firsthand knowledge of God's wild mood swings. "Last Saturday, on a gorgeous spring afternoon, I was jogging in Central Park with my daughter. We were marvelling at the beauty and majesty of nature, and I remember thinking what a wonderful world we live in. Then, out of nowhere, I heard the gunfire," said Kanner, speaking from her hospital bed at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center. "All they took was a measly $17, and for that, the doctors say my daughter will never walk again. If only Our Holy Father didn't have those mental problems, my precious Katie might not be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life." Jurgens stressed that God's earthly subjects need to understand that, because of His bipolar condition, He is not in control of His actions and does not realize how they affect others.
Photos offer evidence of God's mood disorder. "What He needs from us is understanding and patience," Jurgens said. "To paraphrase the words of the Lord God Himself, 'Humans, forgive Him, for He knows not what He does.'" While such drugs as Paxil, Prozac, and Zoloft have proven effective in the treatment of bipolar disorder among humans, there is no modern earthly medicine that can be prescribed for a deity as vast and complex as God. Jurgens is in the process of forming a support group, "Living With A Bipolar Creator-Deity," for all of humanity to "get together and discuss their feelings about living in a universe run by an Omnipresent Loved One not fully in control of his emotions." Jurgens said he believes God's essential condition is seasonal, as evidenced by the bursts of energy and elation associated with springtime and summer, followed by the decay and bleak despair of fall and winter. Sometimes, however, the condition cycles even faster. "The average person with bipolar disorder may go through as many as 10 or 12 cycles of mania and subsequent depression in a lifetime. In severe cases, a sufferer may experience four or more per year, which is known as 'rapid cycling,'" Jurgens said. "We believe God suffers from the even rarer 'ultra-rapid cycling,' which would account for the many documented cases in which He alternates between benevolence and rage toward humanity within a matter of seconds. For example, last week, He brought desperately needed, life-giving rain to southern Mali while simultaneously leveling Turkey with a devastating earthquake."
Further evidence of God's manic-depression can be found in the Bible, in which the erotomania of the Song of Songs sharply contrasts with the sadness and existential despair of the Book of Ecclesiastes. The Book of Job, Jurgens noted, marks the best example of His condition. The book begins with the bleak lamentations of Job and ends with a full-blown manic episode by God, complete with such classic bipolar symptoms as the illusion of omnipotence and delusions of grandeur. "One of the major 'heresies' of Christian history is the Gnostic belief that the Creator, or 'demiurge,' of this troubled world is a blind, idiot god who is insane," Jurgens said. "This idea surfaces in many religious traditions around the globe. As it turns out, they were only half right: God has His problems like anyone else, but He is essentially trying His best. He just has a condition that makes His emotions fly out of control at times." "So it's up to us to make the best of God's emotional problems," Jurgens continued. "Thus, mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly upward."
NEW HAVEN, CT—In a diagnosis that helps explain the confusing and contradictory aspects of the cosmos that have baffled philosophers, theologians, and other students of the human condition for millennia, God, creator of the universe and long-time deity to billions of followers, was found Monday to suffer from bipolar disorder.
The Lord, found to be manic-depressive by Rev. Dr. Jurgens. Rev. Dr. J. Henry Jurgens, a practicing psychiatrist and doctor of divinity at Yale University Divinity School, announced the historic diagnosis at a press conference.
"I always knew there had to be some explanation," Jurgens said. "And, after several years of patient research and long sessions with God Almighty through the intercessionary medium of prayer, I was able to pinpoint the specific nature of His problem." Bipolar, or manic-depressive, disorder is a condition that afflicts millions. Characterized by cycles of elation followed by bouts of profound depression and despair, the disorder can wreak havoc on both the sufferer and his or her loved ones, particularly if it goes undetected and untreated for an extended period. Though the condition is estimated to affect, in one form or another, 5 percent of the world's population, Monday marks the first time it has been diagnosed in a major deity.
Evidence of God's manic-depression can be found throughout the Universe, from the white-hot explosiveness of quasars to the cold, lifeless vacuum of space. However, theologians note, humanity's exposure to God's affliction comes primarily through His confusing propensity to alternately reward and punish His creations with little rhyme or reason. "Last week, I lost my dear husband Walter to the flood," said housewife and devout churchgoer Elaine Froman of Davenport, IA. "I asked myself, 'Why? Why would God do something like this, especially when He had just helped Walter overcome a long battle with colon cancer, and we were so happy that we finally had a chance to start our lives anew?'" New York attorney Ruth Kanner also gained firsthand knowledge of God's wild mood swings. "Last Saturday, on a gorgeous spring afternoon, I was jogging in Central Park with my daughter. We were marvelling at the beauty and majesty of nature, and I remember thinking what a wonderful world we live in. Then, out of nowhere, I heard the gunfire," said Kanner, speaking from her hospital bed at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center. "All they took was a measly $17, and for that, the doctors say my daughter will never walk again. If only Our Holy Father didn't have those mental problems, my precious Katie might not be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life." Jurgens stressed that God's earthly subjects need to understand that, because of His bipolar condition, He is not in control of His actions and does not realize how they affect others.
Photos offer evidence of God's mood disorder. "What He needs from us is understanding and patience," Jurgens said. "To paraphrase the words of the Lord God Himself, 'Humans, forgive Him, for He knows not what He does.'" While such drugs as Paxil, Prozac, and Zoloft have proven effective in the treatment of bipolar disorder among humans, there is no modern earthly medicine that can be prescribed for a deity as vast and complex as God. Jurgens is in the process of forming a support group, "Living With A Bipolar Creator-Deity," for all of humanity to "get together and discuss their feelings about living in a universe run by an Omnipresent Loved One not fully in control of his emotions." Jurgens said he believes God's essential condition is seasonal, as evidenced by the bursts of energy and elation associated with springtime and summer, followed by the decay and bleak despair of fall and winter. Sometimes, however, the condition cycles even faster. "The average person with bipolar disorder may go through as many as 10 or 12 cycles of mania and subsequent depression in a lifetime. In severe cases, a sufferer may experience four or more per year, which is known as 'rapid cycling,'" Jurgens said. "We believe God suffers from the even rarer 'ultra-rapid cycling,' which would account for the many documented cases in which He alternates between benevolence and rage toward humanity within a matter of seconds. For example, last week, He brought desperately needed, life-giving rain to southern Mali while simultaneously leveling Turkey with a devastating earthquake."
Further evidence of God's manic-depression can be found in the Bible, in which the erotomania of the Song of Songs sharply contrasts with the sadness and existential despair of the Book of Ecclesiastes. The Book of Job, Jurgens noted, marks the best example of His condition. The book begins with the bleak lamentations of Job and ends with a full-blown manic episode by God, complete with such classic bipolar symptoms as the illusion of omnipotence and delusions of grandeur. "One of the major 'heresies' of Christian history is the Gnostic belief that the Creator, or 'demiurge,' of this troubled world is a blind, idiot god who is insane," Jurgens said. "This idea surfaces in many religious traditions around the globe. As it turns out, they were only half right: God has His problems like anyone else, but He is essentially trying His best. He just has a condition that makes His emotions fly out of control at times." "So it's up to us to make the best of God's emotional problems," Jurgens continued. "Thus, mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly upward."
Monday, November 14, 2005
Self Sabatouge otherwise known as STUPIDITY
Cant get Diary program running. Sitting up alone once again. Should have taken the extra klonipin before bed. No tobacco at in the house..and dumped my last possible cig by accident. I feel useless. I am only ever good enough or wanted when someone else needs something. There is never anything about what I need or what I think I am good enough for..the last year spent as surrogate wife. Who really has no feelings to return. Year before that.
A whipping post for Ex. Never as good as either of his ex wives. When will I be good enough for someone? When will someone give 2 shits about what I want and what I need. Couldn’t even enjoy myself at bar..looked half way descent to..clothes were good..hair looks great now without the greys not that anyone notice…most likely He did he was one of the few that ever paid that close of attention to me.
Pretty damn sad when you have thoughts of going back to an abusive relationship just because at least they had some use for you. Why is it? What is so wrong with me? Is it so hard to actually like me? If I looked like I did when I was younger sure it wouldn’t be an issue. Most people are just so fucking shallow they really don’t care who you are as long as you look good. And I cant even fall under look half way descent anymore. I see the greys even with the dye on it. I see the wrinkles coming. I cant seem to drop that last bit of weight. Just short fat old and now even toothless to boot. The only thing ppl did seem to like were my boobs and I cut those off for my last ex.. Another smart move in to the world of self sabotage. Why cant anyone like me for me? Why don’t ppl realize I have feelings too. And I am very tired of feeling used and useless.
Hell I should have taken that guy on that offer at least then I would know I was worth at least 20 bucks. Not like I am going to manage to get anything else done right. I give up. I just cant take it anymore. All I am good enough for is housekeeper…ass wiper. And just a little bit better then someone hand or a blow up doll. At least whores get something in return. I guess it is all the same reason…no one has to see your face if you blowing them. As long as the guys haven't had to see my face its been fine…god forbid if I should a thought of my own. Or want to enjoy my involvement with them as they seem to be with me. Just another hole. Just another toy. Just another situation where I am caretaker. How am I going to leave her alone? I know I am not going to find anyone to take my place. And I cant stay here forever. Not going to Illinois on my own..cause I know damn well I couldn’t tell Him no and then id feel like shit knowingly messing with someone married. But where do I go?
Ppl are all the same world over. And as has been said you cant turn a sows ear into a silk purse. So no matter how much I change what I change or where I go..i will always just be someone that can be used because I cant tell ppl no. and I cant tell anyone how I feel. I am so tired of being useless. I can barely keep this stupid apartment up. I wanted to finish the raking I started but I am not good enough for that ether..oh oh I might be pain.. Whats the fucking difference? I always am. I am always good enough when someone else wants to be intimate or sexual…but god forbid if I have a need and I try to fulfill it.
I truly am nothing. I have nothing. There is nothing left of me to give. I have given all I can and it gets thrown back in my face. I am done. No more relationships. No more nothing..just me alone and by myself..at least I know I wont be as bad to myself as others have been. Just going to get my disability find my hole crawl in and kiss the world goodbye..i don’t like being normal. I want to go back to when I wasn’t taking meds. When I didn’t know there was a problem. I was left alone then. And I will find alone again.
Ppl are too dangerous. They make me feel to many things. And I am not capable of dealing with these feelings. I am just old in age and in life experience of the shitty kind. Nothings special. Just me. And it seems just me isn't good enough for anyone. Funny kind of the other night..when we were talking about how I have experience ha. I have experience on how to be a good abused stupid shit. I have experience in taking what ppl to do me because I have no choice. I have experience in being raped in being beaten. Of being so terrified that I would die that I didn’t fight when they raped me. I gave away my child to protect him. And I have missed him for almost 15 years. But who cares. Who do I tell? Just another fucked up misfit trying to pass for normal.
Love all the comments on how smart I am I should be working yeah ha. I cant even hold a job longer then 2 months. I cant deal with ppl. I don’t like ppl. Why should I all they do use me. Once done I am tossed aside until need again. Guess that does kinda make me a toy. It talks it walks it works just pull it strings. See this is why ppl stay away from me. I get really depressed and that scares ppl.. I don’t think I have met one person I haven't scared at some point.
Sometimes makes me feel like a monster. Just an ugly old monster kicked in the corner. I have no use. I am just me and me doesn’t count for shit anymore. I am honest but it gets no where. I am loyal its gets my treated like shit. I try to honor those in my life by being there and doing things for them but what does it matter? It just doesn’t exist anymore. I don’t know what to or where to go or how to do it. I know one of my friends for the most part just puts up with me.
Still haven't figured out why some still hangs around. Cause He was nice to me even before things got to where they are now. So no fucking clue on earth on that one. To Someone else I am just someone else with mental issues he can share with so he doesn’t have to be alone. And now with jean coming back he wont be alone anymore and then to him like to everyone I will be worth nothing. I hate my illness.
I hate feeling like this. I try so hard to never let this shit out. No one wants to see or hear this side of me. This is what scares ppl. But thankfully most ppl don’t see me like this.. I don’t let them. Who wants to know that miss conversation and humor feels about as useful as a pile shit actually less so at least a pile of shit is fertilizer. I am so tired of putting on my faces. Why cant I just be me? Soon…soon I will have my money then an apartment then I can go away stay inside do shopping by the damn computer and only come out when I need food…do it late at night as I can so I don’t run into anyone… then then maybe I will be safe. And I wont hurt. And I wont care if I am useless.
Besides who in their right mind would want to put up with someone with my illnesses. If my body doesn’t give out my mind does and I end up here writing trying to figure out what to fuck is going on in my own brain because I cant think inside it so I have to write it and or talk it out to find out whats going on inside. I cant even see inside myself anymore. And this is suppose to be stability? This is suppose to be the good part about the meds… I was much better when I had my head stuck up my ass….then I didn’t care….maybe after I get disability and apartment I will go back on the lithium. Then I can just haze away from all of this…not like I will be missed for long by that many. I will soon be forgotten and be stored as some kind of odd memory in ppl. And they will be thankful I am no longer around to upset the balance.
God I feel like a kid. I miss my mom, my dad, even my real mom and my sisters. They keep on doing things and forgetting to tell me because I am just not family to them. As much as my parents hurt me at least I knew they actually cared in there own way. Ppl only care now because they don’t want me to cause a scene. Or do something to embarrass them…that’s why no one ever takes me anywhere….i always get You’re an adult now. But no one ever treats me like…they just shut me out and up. Guess that’s enough for now…time to get yelled at for being depressive
Written Nov 12th 2005
A whipping post for Ex. Never as good as either of his ex wives. When will I be good enough for someone? When will someone give 2 shits about what I want and what I need. Couldn’t even enjoy myself at bar..looked half way descent to..clothes were good..hair looks great now without the greys not that anyone notice…most likely He did he was one of the few that ever paid that close of attention to me.
Pretty damn sad when you have thoughts of going back to an abusive relationship just because at least they had some use for you. Why is it? What is so wrong with me? Is it so hard to actually like me? If I looked like I did when I was younger sure it wouldn’t be an issue. Most people are just so fucking shallow they really don’t care who you are as long as you look good. And I cant even fall under look half way descent anymore. I see the greys even with the dye on it. I see the wrinkles coming. I cant seem to drop that last bit of weight. Just short fat old and now even toothless to boot. The only thing ppl did seem to like were my boobs and I cut those off for my last ex.. Another smart move in to the world of self sabotage. Why cant anyone like me for me? Why don’t ppl realize I have feelings too. And I am very tired of feeling used and useless.
Hell I should have taken that guy on that offer at least then I would know I was worth at least 20 bucks. Not like I am going to manage to get anything else done right. I give up. I just cant take it anymore. All I am good enough for is housekeeper…ass wiper. And just a little bit better then someone hand or a blow up doll. At least whores get something in return. I guess it is all the same reason…no one has to see your face if you blowing them. As long as the guys haven't had to see my face its been fine…god forbid if I should a thought of my own. Or want to enjoy my involvement with them as they seem to be with me. Just another hole. Just another toy. Just another situation where I am caretaker. How am I going to leave her alone? I know I am not going to find anyone to take my place. And I cant stay here forever. Not going to Illinois on my own..cause I know damn well I couldn’t tell Him no and then id feel like shit knowingly messing with someone married. But where do I go?
Ppl are all the same world over. And as has been said you cant turn a sows ear into a silk purse. So no matter how much I change what I change or where I go..i will always just be someone that can be used because I cant tell ppl no. and I cant tell anyone how I feel. I am so tired of being useless. I can barely keep this stupid apartment up. I wanted to finish the raking I started but I am not good enough for that ether..oh oh I might be pain.. Whats the fucking difference? I always am. I am always good enough when someone else wants to be intimate or sexual…but god forbid if I have a need and I try to fulfill it.
I truly am nothing. I have nothing. There is nothing left of me to give. I have given all I can and it gets thrown back in my face. I am done. No more relationships. No more nothing..just me alone and by myself..at least I know I wont be as bad to myself as others have been. Just going to get my disability find my hole crawl in and kiss the world goodbye..i don’t like being normal. I want to go back to when I wasn’t taking meds. When I didn’t know there was a problem. I was left alone then. And I will find alone again.
Ppl are too dangerous. They make me feel to many things. And I am not capable of dealing with these feelings. I am just old in age and in life experience of the shitty kind. Nothings special. Just me. And it seems just me isn't good enough for anyone. Funny kind of the other night..when we were talking about how I have experience ha. I have experience on how to be a good abused stupid shit. I have experience in taking what ppl to do me because I have no choice. I have experience in being raped in being beaten. Of being so terrified that I would die that I didn’t fight when they raped me. I gave away my child to protect him. And I have missed him for almost 15 years. But who cares. Who do I tell? Just another fucked up misfit trying to pass for normal.
Love all the comments on how smart I am I should be working yeah ha. I cant even hold a job longer then 2 months. I cant deal with ppl. I don’t like ppl. Why should I all they do use me. Once done I am tossed aside until need again. Guess that does kinda make me a toy. It talks it walks it works just pull it strings. See this is why ppl stay away from me. I get really depressed and that scares ppl.. I don’t think I have met one person I haven't scared at some point.
Sometimes makes me feel like a monster. Just an ugly old monster kicked in the corner. I have no use. I am just me and me doesn’t count for shit anymore. I am honest but it gets no where. I am loyal its gets my treated like shit. I try to honor those in my life by being there and doing things for them but what does it matter? It just doesn’t exist anymore. I don’t know what to or where to go or how to do it. I know one of my friends for the most part just puts up with me.
Still haven't figured out why some still hangs around. Cause He was nice to me even before things got to where they are now. So no fucking clue on earth on that one. To Someone else I am just someone else with mental issues he can share with so he doesn’t have to be alone. And now with jean coming back he wont be alone anymore and then to him like to everyone I will be worth nothing. I hate my illness.
I hate feeling like this. I try so hard to never let this shit out. No one wants to see or hear this side of me. This is what scares ppl. But thankfully most ppl don’t see me like this.. I don’t let them. Who wants to know that miss conversation and humor feels about as useful as a pile shit actually less so at least a pile of shit is fertilizer. I am so tired of putting on my faces. Why cant I just be me? Soon…soon I will have my money then an apartment then I can go away stay inside do shopping by the damn computer and only come out when I need food…do it late at night as I can so I don’t run into anyone… then then maybe I will be safe. And I wont hurt. And I wont care if I am useless.
Besides who in their right mind would want to put up with someone with my illnesses. If my body doesn’t give out my mind does and I end up here writing trying to figure out what to fuck is going on in my own brain because I cant think inside it so I have to write it and or talk it out to find out whats going on inside. I cant even see inside myself anymore. And this is suppose to be stability? This is suppose to be the good part about the meds… I was much better when I had my head stuck up my ass….then I didn’t care….maybe after I get disability and apartment I will go back on the lithium. Then I can just haze away from all of this…not like I will be missed for long by that many. I will soon be forgotten and be stored as some kind of odd memory in ppl. And they will be thankful I am no longer around to upset the balance.
God I feel like a kid. I miss my mom, my dad, even my real mom and my sisters. They keep on doing things and forgetting to tell me because I am just not family to them. As much as my parents hurt me at least I knew they actually cared in there own way. Ppl only care now because they don’t want me to cause a scene. Or do something to embarrass them…that’s why no one ever takes me anywhere….i always get You’re an adult now. But no one ever treats me like…they just shut me out and up. Guess that’s enough for now…time to get yelled at for being depressive
Written Nov 12th 2005
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Welcome to Ramblings
Welcome to Bipolar Ramblings. This Blog has come into being due to a need to express what it is like for me when my moods cycle in hopes that others will find themseleves in these writtings and know that they are not alone. Any and all comments or your own ramblings are welcomed to share this cyber space if you desire.
I wish you stablity
Amithist
I wish you stablity
Amithist
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
Posts
