Manic Journal Entry July 10, 2005 3am

Manic Journal Entry July 10, 2005 3am

I cant sleep tonight….i cant seem to calm down…I am board to death…and horny as hell….i am stressed…I am lonely… I think I am getting ready for a real manic swing and a fierce one at that…I need…I don’t know what the fuck I need I just need…..i need to be held…I need to be comforted….i need human contact….i need to feel good again…I am tired of felling like this all the time and just telling everyone how much better I am feeling how much more stable I am….i don’t want to be stable I don’t want to be here…I don’t want to feel all of this all at once… I want to go back to being numb…I want to go back to not feeling anything…of not caring…I want to go back to drinking I want to go back to smoking,…..i want to go back to forgetting….i don’t want to remember any more I don’t want to think about it I don’t want to see it all over again in my head….i don’t want this ……so why why why am I fighting so hard for this sanity…. For this stability….why am I fighting so hard for something I don’t even want…..why do I care what others think…why do I care how they feel…why should I give to shits about any other living soul in this world….when has anyone in my life ever really given two shits about me and meant it….and why why after all I do for those in my life is nothing returned….why do I always come up empty handed…always alone…..alone…..never anyone there to hold to cuddle to feel….to help me remember what it means to be human….why am I so ugly inside and out….nothing I do makes anything better…I am as undesirable now as I have ever been…no matter what changes I make on a mental or physical level I am still unattractive, undesirable, unwanted by anyone except those who are like me….ignored…left behind….trash….people no one wants…dispensable people usable people that you hope go away when your done with them…why cant I be one of the pretty people….why cant I be liked, desired, attractive to the pretty people…what have I done to deserve to be trash…always thrown aside…always left to rot in the recess of humanities thoughts….fuck this thought process…fuck theses feelings…and fuck this manic….am extra med or two and I ll be sleeping anyway and it will all go away for a little while…………………….