Hey Hon

Hey Hon,

Just a few more stray thoughts. You scare me. You frighten me. You make me smile and laugh. You make me angry. You mean the world to me. You always have. As we have gotten closer over the last few months, which btw I didn’t think was possible, I have gotten more scared and excited. IF and I know it’s a big IF our chance actually gets a chance I have more to lose with You then I have with any other person in my life ever.

With you I have no secrets, I have no lies, You know me to bone and back. With You I would not be able to hide, or run, or control, or procrastinate. With You I have to be me. I have no choices save to be me. Can You imagine after a life time of running and hiding just how scary this all is to me? At the same time I am so excited I can barely contain myself. Dreams don’t come true for me. Wishes don’t happen. Everything always ends up twisted and almost evil compared to its original expectations.

I want to say You make me but its not appropriate, with You I feel things I never thought I could, things I knew I never wanted to for fear of the pain involved. There are days I hate You for that as much as love You for it. You’re the only one in this world I have ever allowed to treat me like a two year old as You’re the only one I have ever trusted to do it because it was necessary.

I cant apologize enough for those calls. I just wish I had known so that I hadn’t made them. I know it should have been evident but it wasn’t. My esp sucks hon. And all I could think was something horrible had happened because my god things were going so well between us and there was actually a chance for a chance so I just knew when I didn’t hear from You that something had to be wrong.

I realize also that I may not hear from You for quite awhile now as I have been so manic. That I have earned for not being able to regain control of myself before writing. And before someone else tells You I was hitting laura’s bottle of fire water last night. I had wound my self up so bad even the meds weren’t bringing me down. And it was not a pleasant manic so I did the only thing I knew to do when I am on my own and nothings working and there is no one available to help me talk myself down. I self medicated. I didn’t drink a lot only 2-3 shots it took the edge off enough for me to be able to regain control by the time the buzz wore off which took at most an hour. I know You probably are sitting there reading this thinking how stupid I am and glad Your not dealing with me.

I guess I just don’t know how to feel right now. I have been having a server mixed episode this week and due to the fact I do know more about it and I am better then I use to be about control this stupid shit I can really feel it. But I have also observed that I am learning something new out of each episode because I can feel them now.

When I am depressed I need to talk myself up. And it seems to need to be with someone whom is stronger then I am in most cases a Dominate type. When I am manic I need to talk out or down to focus my thoughts and just someone who understands any of the situations I end up talking about works just fine. When I get angry which is a new feeling for me as I haven’t been able to get angry in really long time I just need to vent again to whom is not an issue. I do believe that had I had another outlet, someone to talk to while You disappeared, Your disappearance might not of scared me quite so bad.

Well I guess I aught to shut up now and mail this as I would like You to get it before 10pm just in case Your calling. Oh if it isn’t an issue, just so I know what I can plan for my evening if Your not going to call for awhile could You let me know? Or if when You happen to know just Type a Y or something in to yahoo so that I can catch it. I really don’t want to miss any of Your calls but I don’t know that I want to sit hit every night waiting to see if You will. I hope that didn’t sound to bad. And You don’t have to or anything its just a thought that’s all. As You know I don’t have much of life anyway. Thanks Hon

Written May 3, 2005