Triggers

A few years ago the psychologist suggested that I stop watching shows that I knew could cover topics that could trigger my episodes be it my PTSD or Bipolar.

Her first suggestion was to stop watching Law and Order SUV. I tried that for awhile but I missed the show. Though the topics were very capable of causing me to trigger, they also caught the bad guys. I think that was actually more therapeutic to me then anything else.

The next suggestion was the TV news channels and local news as well. That was OK for a while but was leaving me in the dark about important topics. So I started getting just the headlines on google home page so i could decided what i wanted to read about and that has worked out great.

What has caused me many trips back to my youth is music. It was one of the few ways I could express myself. I could find songs that were saying exactly how I felt at any given time. So second to writing, music also helped me to mellow out. But now when I turn on VH1 classic and listen to all the music from the 80s I am filled with memories most only remembered because of the music.

With almost every song I can recall a memory so vivid that I can tell you where I was sitting, the channel, the show, if I had a friend over. the condition and even the smell of the house. Most of these are happy and fun memories but they are also memories filled with how I was then, who I was then, and I can slowly see myself loosing the battle with the bipolar and changing into the person i spent over half my life hating.

I really don't know if this is a good thing or not. I dont have a therapist at the moment but with the new insurance I should have one soon. I am so different from the child I was and totally reverse of the person I became when I lost what little control I had left of my psyche.

Just had to get this down while it was on my mind as I believe this is a very important aspect of my life. And being a professional procrastinator I will most likely print this whole blog out for the doctor to read when I get one. As I sure as heck don't want to have to repeat anything I dont have to :)