Well I did something I told myself I would never do..I removed a post. I realized on reread that it brought to much information about someone else to the surface. This is about how I cope..on days that I can.. and the fallout on the days that I can't. Its not meant to put anyone else out and in the public eye.
I will be rewriting and then posting the piece in a more appropriate manner. I prefer to post the first time I write because its done at exactly the time I am feeling it. Yes its raw but its real. I also have a responsibility to my friends and family to not parade their lives and feelings across the Internet.
Any who that's pretty much all I have to say at the moment. I am just coming up for air after a winter long depression that just about crushed me this time. I will write all that lovely stuff up later as I don't feel like depressing myself by getting into right now. But on the bright side of things I have hooked up with Michigan rehab and should be able to start going to school for a career. Who knows maybe I can work from home and actually get off disability.. That would be totally awesome thing to happen. We shall see if my poor little brain can handle it all.
OK that's enough rambling for someone who doesn't have anything to say..:D
Friday, March 05, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Inside Out: the birth of a Manic Episode (import from Feb. 15, 2010
I wrote whats below just a bit ago. I want to share (with those interested) what it is like to be around someone who is escalating into bipolar episode and maybe shed a little light for my friends on why I respond to things the way I do...I didn't edit anything so it reads just as it was written so please excuse the horrendous attempts at grammar ( thank good my spell check works with my browser or there would be a real big mess lol ) If You read anything you want to respond to, please do. Be it here or in a private message I will do my best to answer you.
Guess I have to put aside what little pride I have managed to scrape up over the years. I need help and I don't know where to go or how to get it.
Life is falling down around my ears at the moment. As I start to go threw menopause my bipolar is going haywire as well as the "smaller" mental health issues I have, up till lately, had under "control". If I didn't know I was already "nuts" I would be paranoid at this point.
I spent most of last fall and and this current winter in a major depressive episode. For me this means I stay inside and become more fearful and uncomfortable in public settings ( for those who really know me this comes as a surprise I am thinking), I lay in bed even more then normal, I basically lay down and die for the most part, finding something to drown in.(in this case FB became my obsession, not life threatening this time)
I just came up for a breath of life about a month or so ago. Not really sure on the timing. (its called time dysphoria) All I do really know is that during this episode I let some things slide that needed my attention..things like my Medicaid review..which was suppose to be taken care of about 4 months ago and got lost on my trip down to hell. To give myself a tiny break I did think I was only dealing with food stamps which I didn't want so I didn't do the paperwork...Lack of the ability to properly define and assign the importance of a situation...
I have been with this particular worker since I moved to Michigan. I have told her over and over again that I have to have help with all the paperwork as I don't understand all the info they are asking for. It gets jumbled and I just don't know how to answer. And while I can't blame her for what should be my responsibility, my asking for help should have been taken more seriously and addressed properly.
So I not only cant go to the doctors/therapists at the moment. My care attendant is now without a paycheck( which I got a letter after this months check didn't come up saying that payments had stopped as of a week before. that doesn't cover January but anyway...) He has been caring for me since the end of 05 and went a couple of years with no pay..cant get friends or help like that anymore. I know he will stay despite the pay (I have to have a live in to make sure that I don't slip to deep and well...you can imagine I am sure) but that is not the point.
I am currently holding on by the skin of my teeth to maintain a level of control that will allow me to be in the "now" long enough to get this all back together...Oh and I have also lost a 100 dollars as my disability co pay is now taken out of my check instead of being taken care of by medicaid. For those who don't deal with this type of issue. I make 722 dollars a month. which rounds out to about 8k a year. This is below half of poverty line income and is extremely tricky to live on and still do recreational things like eating healthy, going to doctors appointments, and getting medications. (not whining or complaining just clarifying)
So here I sit slowly losing my mind yet again and I have no clue who to turn to for help. I am going to look for some kind of advocacy program tomorrow (when the long weekend is finally over) I can't seem to get "the system" to understand that mental health issues DO NOT have anything to do with my level of intelligence. It doesn't matter how smart you think I am, or how simple a problem may seem to be, I just can't complete the task properly.
I am NOT stupid, I am NOT an Emo, I am NOT looking for attention, I am NOT looking for pity, I am just NOT anything. What I AM is someone who has a disability that the world "can't" see!! I AM falling to pieces emotionally. I AM someone who is told time after time "You not that dumb" "You should have done "this", You know better then "That".
What I need is someone who CAN see. Someone who CAN see and help me to function in the "real" world enough to not upset the apple cart and keep things going smoothly. It doesn't help that the "system" won't allow my caretaker to help me. They always have to talk to me directly no matter what I say to them. Even that doesn't help most times because I get looked at like some kind of village idiot or someone trying to scam the "system" because I "sound intelligent" and I get little to no help.
Could someone please tell me what intelligence sounds like???? I have a friend who has functional autism. And he is almost savant when it comes to dates. He is like a walking Gregorian calendar. He is very smart about a lot of things but he is disregarded by most because he doesn't "sound intelligent" due to a slower speech pattern. I am SOOO tired of treatment like this. Most people have little to no understanding of this issue. Its not any one's fault its just what happens and it just is. But in today's world there is no reason for someone who asks for help to not to receive the proper support within the "system"
My teachers as early as 7th grade ( I haven't asked any of my teachers from earlier grades) told my "parents" that they suspected LD's ( learning disabilities) as well as possibly being "Manic Depressive" ( the old name for Bipolar" So I know for a fact that people where aware of my issues by the time or before I was 12 years old.
I wasn't to find any of this out till last year. I was diagnosed in the mid-late 90s "officially" with Bipolar. My dyslexia, which is more related to numbers, symbols, left and right etc; then it is to reading and writing, was found when I attempted my first trek into trying to go to college.
This is one reason and maybe even "The" reason I hold no anger or ill will to those who called me names and said nasty things to me in school. Tis not their fault that I had no grasp on acceptable social behaviors. I didn't even know that I didn't. Though I do think the environment I grew up in had more of an effect on my social behaviors when I was in school then any mental or learning disabilities that have been "discovered" since I left school. I know now that I also set myself up for a share of what I went threw. I had a very bad habit of making myself the "victim" so that I didn't feel like I was invisible at school like I was at home. (Again this is a yet another old horse that needs to be let to pasture)
OK now that I have totally digressed from the first part of this lament...I feel better. Sometimes I just need to write so that I can slow down and organize my thoughts. But I do think that I make some very good points when I am "doing my manic thing" that I keep what I write so that I can find the base problem that sent me off into "wonderland" to begin with. Most times the prelude to an episode has nothing to do with what the underlying issue is. I also think its important to share so that people who have never dealt with this type of issue can have exposure to how some of it works. I know not everyone expresses or even has to deal with the same things that go threw my head even if we do fall under the "same category"
I like to think that if what I go threw can help someone else get threw what they need to then my entire life, beginning to end has had a real purpose and has not been wasted. That threw my disability and not despite it I have helped at least one person. During the times I am at my lowest and all I want to do is to go to sleep and never wake up, so I can finally have a little peace and quiet, I can turn and look and know that I am not useless and that somewhere, somehow I have helped to create a positive outcome for someone. and that hanging around a little longer means I might just be able to help someone else.... It keeps me on this side of reality. ( though I am still not sure I even like reality but then I guess a lot of ppl share that emotion :D )
Remember Humor is what keeps Humanity Humane.
Peace Out
Life is falling down around my ears at the moment. As I start to go threw menopause my bipolar is going haywire as well as the "smaller" mental health issues I have, up till lately, had under "control". If I didn't know I was already "nuts" I would be paranoid at this point.
I spent most of last fall and and this current winter in a major depressive episode. For me this means I stay inside and become more fearful and uncomfortable in public settings ( for those who really know me this comes as a surprise I am thinking), I lay in bed even more then normal, I basically lay down and die for the most part, finding something to drown in.(in this case FB became my obsession, not life threatening this time)
I just came up for a breath of life about a month or so ago. Not really sure on the timing. (its called time dysphoria) All I do really know is that during this episode I let some things slide that needed my attention..things like my Medicaid review..which was suppose to be taken care of about 4 months ago and got lost on my trip down to hell. To give myself a tiny break I did think I was only dealing with food stamps which I didn't want so I didn't do the paperwork...Lack of the ability to properly define and assign the importance of a situation...
I have been with this particular worker since I moved to Michigan. I have told her over and over again that I have to have help with all the paperwork as I don't understand all the info they are asking for. It gets jumbled and I just don't know how to answer. And while I can't blame her for what should be my responsibility, my asking for help should have been taken more seriously and addressed properly.
So I not only cant go to the doctors/therapists at the moment. My care attendant is now without a paycheck( which I got a letter after this months check didn't come up saying that payments had stopped as of a week before. that doesn't cover January but anyway...) He has been caring for me since the end of 05 and went a couple of years with no pay..cant get friends or help like that anymore. I know he will stay despite the pay (I have to have a live in to make sure that I don't slip to deep and well...you can imagine I am sure) but that is not the point.
I am currently holding on by the skin of my teeth to maintain a level of control that will allow me to be in the "now" long enough to get this all back together...Oh and I have also lost a 100 dollars as my disability co pay is now taken out of my check instead of being taken care of by medicaid. For those who don't deal with this type of issue. I make 722 dollars a month. which rounds out to about 8k a year. This is below half of poverty line income and is extremely tricky to live on and still do recreational things like eating healthy, going to doctors appointments, and getting medications. (not whining or complaining just clarifying)
So here I sit slowly losing my mind yet again and I have no clue who to turn to for help. I am going to look for some kind of advocacy program tomorrow (when the long weekend is finally over) I can't seem to get "the system" to understand that mental health issues DO NOT have anything to do with my level of intelligence. It doesn't matter how smart you think I am, or how simple a problem may seem to be, I just can't complete the task properly.
I am NOT stupid, I am NOT an Emo, I am NOT looking for attention, I am NOT looking for pity, I am just NOT anything. What I AM is someone who has a disability that the world "can't" see!! I AM falling to pieces emotionally. I AM someone who is told time after time "You not that dumb" "You should have done "this", You know better then "That".
What I need is someone who CAN see. Someone who CAN see and help me to function in the "real" world enough to not upset the apple cart and keep things going smoothly. It doesn't help that the "system" won't allow my caretaker to help me. They always have to talk to me directly no matter what I say to them. Even that doesn't help most times because I get looked at like some kind of village idiot or someone trying to scam the "system" because I "sound intelligent" and I get little to no help.
Could someone please tell me what intelligence sounds like???? I have a friend who has functional autism. And he is almost savant when it comes to dates. He is like a walking Gregorian calendar. He is very smart about a lot of things but he is disregarded by most because he doesn't "sound intelligent" due to a slower speech pattern. I am SOOO tired of treatment like this. Most people have little to no understanding of this issue. Its not any one's fault its just what happens and it just is. But in today's world there is no reason for someone who asks for help to not to receive the proper support within the "system"
My teachers as early as 7th grade ( I haven't asked any of my teachers from earlier grades) told my "parents" that they suspected LD's ( learning disabilities) as well as possibly being "Manic Depressive" ( the old name for Bipolar" So I know for a fact that people where aware of my issues by the time or before I was 12 years old.
I wasn't to find any of this out till last year. I was diagnosed in the mid-late 90s "officially" with Bipolar. My dyslexia, which is more related to numbers, symbols, left and right etc; then it is to reading and writing, was found when I attempted my first trek into trying to go to college.
This is one reason and maybe even "The" reason I hold no anger or ill will to those who called me names and said nasty things to me in school. Tis not their fault that I had no grasp on acceptable social behaviors. I didn't even know that I didn't. Though I do think the environment I grew up in had more of an effect on my social behaviors when I was in school then any mental or learning disabilities that have been "discovered" since I left school. I know now that I also set myself up for a share of what I went threw. I had a very bad habit of making myself the "victim" so that I didn't feel like I was invisible at school like I was at home. (Again this is a yet another old horse that needs to be let to pasture)
OK now that I have totally digressed from the first part of this lament...I feel better. Sometimes I just need to write so that I can slow down and organize my thoughts. But I do think that I make some very good points when I am "doing my manic thing" that I keep what I write so that I can find the base problem that sent me off into "wonderland" to begin with. Most times the prelude to an episode has nothing to do with what the underlying issue is. I also think its important to share so that people who have never dealt with this type of issue can have exposure to how some of it works. I know not everyone expresses or even has to deal with the same things that go threw my head even if we do fall under the "same category"
I like to think that if what I go threw can help someone else get threw what they need to then my entire life, beginning to end has had a real purpose and has not been wasted. That threw my disability and not despite it I have helped at least one person. During the times I am at my lowest and all I want to do is to go to sleep and never wake up, so I can finally have a little peace and quiet, I can turn and look and know that I am not useless and that somewhere, somehow I have helped to create a positive outcome for someone. and that hanging around a little longer means I might just be able to help someone else.... It keeps me on this side of reality. ( though I am still not sure I even like reality but then I guess a lot of ppl share that emotion :D )
Remember Humor is what keeps Humanity Humane.
Peace Out
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