Who Inspires You

It can not be said that there is any one person that inspired me. It was every story I heard and every person I meet who had learned how to deal with and control their bipolar or other mood and social disabilities. Though the symptoms manifested as a teenager they did not go over the edge until my early 20s. The diagnosis came down 3 years ago. I have bipolar type 1 and social anxiety I issues. I was 35 at the time.

I had no idea what was wrong with me but I knew something was so I went to doctor after doctor until someone paid attention. My psychiatrist was my first step in trusting in and listening to others on what I needed to do to get myself in control. I gave many thanks to my doctor at the time. She was and is a top-notch psychiatrist. that is a compliment I have never given any other counselor or therapist.

I quite smoking cigarettes, I got off the caffeine, and I stopped drinking. I do not watch shows that trigger my episodes and I have had to ask people to leave until I got better control of my episodes. I have gone threw so many meds until we found the right ones that I have lost count. We have finally found three that actually keep me fairly even.

I have conquered the impulse spending almost totally and I have taken care of the risky sexual behavior completely. People actually like me know and even take the time to get to know me, which was impossible before the cognitive therapy and meds.

Due to lack of funds and transportation, you have a very hard time working with uncontrolled bipolar, I did my own research. I taught myself about cognitive behavior therapy and spent long painful hours working on changing my self-view and my self-esteem. Without positive thought it is hard for anyone and especially for those who have mental illness to get themselves to a position of feeling “normal”.

Also without a solid support system like my mom and my friends Julia, Jo-Jo, Dave and Rick I would have never made it. I cannot pick just one person. There were too many on my road to healing that I cannot and I will not pick one over another.

In three years I have turned my life around and fought so I could be “normal”. In addition, become someone that somebody could be proud of and I have done that .So I guess it can be said that with my support system and desire to be healthy in the end I can add myself to the list of who inspires me.

Fear

Written for a counselor somewhere between 04 and 06. Wanted to know my most predominant
emotion.

Fear. This I feel all the time. Fear of failing myself and others, fear of success, fear of hurting someone with my words or actions, fear of not being good enough, fear of losing my home, fear of going hungry, fear of rejection, fear of acceptance, fear of caring, fear of being cared for. I could go on forever think. I know that 99% of that fear is not justifiable. That it is me making a big deal over nothing, borrowing trouble. I am working very hard to control my fears and my reaction to things.

when i am scared I mostly want to run away. I am a big wussy. And I don't want to face my fears.I also will get all upset and push people away and cause self prophesied fears to occur rather then wait and see if the other shoe drops.

This can cause things to happen that never would have happened if I hadn't made it happened. Self destruction seems to be my biggest enemy. I fear it more then anything else in my life at this time. I don't know how far I will go to self destruct. I know how far I have gone in the past and I know that I am willing to do my very best not to ever return to that. But destruction is still destruction. I have felt it start to happen a couple of times and have bit my tongue till it bled to keep from starting a chain reaction.

I think its part of whats keeping me from getting close to people. The less I know about people the less I can us against them when I go into destruct mode. I must conquer my fears..just a normal life would be my biggest wish.

New Generation

Well on 4/20 at 930am I became a great aunt to one Connor Jerome 8lbs 3oz. It sure does make one think when the 2nd generation from yours start to appear. We are leaving May 5th to go back to Vermont to see him and other friends.

Believe it or not life is going good. It doesn't mean I am happy everyday my illnesses still get me down and freaky at times but on the whole things feel right and are going right for once in a long life of mess ups.

I don't have a lot. I don't eat fancy foods and I still don't care what the brand name is on the clothes I wear as long as I like them and there comfortable, but life has never been better. I have people who actually care for me and not what I can do for them or give them. I am learning how to budget my time more wisely so I might even be writing more soon. I am thinking of starting a couple of new blogs, one for my fiction writing and one for the book studies that I am doing for my school.

Oh yeah and I am going to school now. Its basically a Wiccan seminary school and I am very happy with it and myself with my studies.

Well that's it for this run I have a hundred things to do to get ready to leave next weekend. Talk at you again soon take care.

New Look

I have updated the template to more match my healthier state of mind. Its not a huge difference as no one actually reads this thing anyway and I am just talking to myself. But it helps to clear my mind so I do not care how obscure my presence is. Any way if someone does actually read this thing I also have my own website that I setup with links that I have made money online with. and they are no get rich quick scams. I also have my squidoo lens a number of other blogs and rss feeds and forums where I actually get paid to post. Any way most of the stuff is on my homepage which is listed in my links on the right sidebar.

I can also be seen at a number of the links listed in "My Shares" and "links" not all of them have to do with me being a nut. Some of them have information on what I have learned about making money online. Check them out if you have a minuet or two.

A New Year

Well here we are. Its January 2007..and I can truthfully say "I remember about 30 years ago" and I do.

Its odd just how fast time goes by and how fast we go threw life. Last year I wanted one thing. I wanted a stable life. Well the roof is stable. The income is stable. a few things are still wobbly but all in all I got what I wanted. (oh BTW Jan 5 made 1 year since i had a cig woo hoo for me)

But what do you do when you get what you want? do you know how to appreciate it? Are you really willing to pay ALL the costs that come with getting what you want...including the hidden ones?

Any way just some thoughts for the new year. This year goal is to get as healthy as I can without hurting myself. I may end up with back surgery to fix the pain. I hope it works. It would be nice to not be in pain all the time any more. Most likely it will make me a nicer person to be around as well.

Take it easy. More later