Self Sabatouge otherwise known as STUPIDITY

Cant get Diary program running. Sitting up alone once again. Should have taken the extra klonipin before bed. No tobacco at in the house..and dumped my last possible cig by accident. I feel useless. I am only ever good enough or wanted when someone else needs something. There is never anything about what I need or what I think I am good enough for..the last year spent as surrogate wife. Who really has no feelings to return. Year before that.

A whipping post for Ex. Never as good as either of his ex wives. When will I be good enough for someone? When will someone give 2 shits about what I want and what I need. Couldn’t even enjoy myself at bar..looked half way descent to..clothes were good..hair looks great now without the greys not that anyone notice…most likely He did he was one of the few that ever paid that close of attention to me.

Pretty damn sad when you have thoughts of going back to an abusive relationship just because at least they had some use for you. Why is it? What is so wrong with me? Is it so hard to actually like me? If I looked like I did when I was younger sure it wouldn’t be an issue. Most people are just so fucking shallow they really don’t care who you are as long as you look good. And I cant even fall under look half way descent anymore. I see the greys even with the dye on it. I see the wrinkles coming. I cant seem to drop that last bit of weight. Just short fat old and now even toothless to boot. The only thing ppl did seem to like were my boobs and I cut those off for my last ex.. Another smart move in to the world of self sabotage. Why cant anyone like me for me? Why don’t ppl realize I have feelings too. And I am very tired of feeling used and useless.

Hell I should have taken that guy on that offer at least then I would know I was worth at least 20 bucks. Not like I am going to manage to get anything else done right. I give up. I just cant take it anymore. All I am good enough for is housekeeper…ass wiper. And just a little bit better then someone hand or a blow up doll. At least whores get something in return. I guess it is all the same reason…no one has to see your face if you blowing them. As long as the guys haven't had to see my face its been fine…god forbid if I should a thought of my own. Or want to enjoy my involvement with them as they seem to be with me. Just another hole. Just another toy. Just another situation where I am caretaker. How am I going to leave her alone? I know I am not going to find anyone to take my place. And I cant stay here forever. Not going to Illinois on my own..cause I know damn well I couldn’t tell Him no and then id feel like shit knowingly messing with someone married. But where do I go?

Ppl are all the same world over. And as has been said you cant turn a sows ear into a silk purse. So no matter how much I change what I change or where I go..i will always just be someone that can be used because I cant tell ppl no. and I cant tell anyone how I feel. I am so tired of being useless. I can barely keep this stupid apartment up. I wanted to finish the raking I started but I am not good enough for that ether..oh oh I might be pain.. Whats the fucking difference? I always am. I am always good enough when someone else wants to be intimate or sexual…but god forbid if I have a need and I try to fulfill it.

I truly am nothing. I have nothing. There is nothing left of me to give. I have given all I can and it gets thrown back in my face. I am done. No more relationships. No more nothing..just me alone and by myself..at least I know I wont be as bad to myself as others have been. Just going to get my disability find my hole crawl in and kiss the world goodbye..i don’t like being normal. I want to go back to when I wasn’t taking meds. When I didn’t know there was a problem. I was left alone then. And I will find alone again.

Ppl are too dangerous. They make me feel to many things. And I am not capable of dealing with these feelings. I am just old in age and in life experience of the shitty kind. Nothings special. Just me. And it seems just me isn't good enough for anyone. Funny kind of the other night..when we were talking about how I have experience ha. I have experience on how to be a good abused stupid shit. I have experience in taking what ppl to do me because I have no choice. I have experience in being raped in being beaten. Of being so terrified that I would die that I didn’t fight when they raped me. I gave away my child to protect him. And I have missed him for almost 15 years. But who cares. Who do I tell? Just another fucked up misfit trying to pass for normal.

Love all the comments on how smart I am I should be working yeah ha. I cant even hold a job longer then 2 months. I cant deal with ppl. I don’t like ppl. Why should I all they do use me. Once done I am tossed aside until need again. Guess that does kinda make me a toy. It talks it walks it works just pull it strings. See this is why ppl stay away from me. I get really depressed and that scares ppl.. I don’t think I have met one person I haven't scared at some point.

Sometimes makes me feel like a monster. Just an ugly old monster kicked in the corner. I have no use. I am just me and me doesn’t count for shit anymore. I am honest but it gets no where. I am loyal its gets my treated like shit. I try to honor those in my life by being there and doing things for them but what does it matter? It just doesn’t exist anymore. I don’t know what to or where to go or how to do it. I know one of my friends for the most part just puts up with me.

Still haven't figured out why some still hangs around. Cause He was nice to me even before things got to where they are now. So no fucking clue on earth on that one. To Someone else I am just someone else with mental issues he can share with so he doesn’t have to be alone. And now with jean coming back he wont be alone anymore and then to him like to everyone I will be worth nothing. I hate my illness.
I hate feeling like this. I try so hard to never let this shit out. No one wants to see or hear this side of me. This is what scares ppl. But thankfully most ppl don’t see me like this.. I don’t let them. Who wants to know that miss conversation and humor feels about as useful as a pile shit actually less so at least a pile of shit is fertilizer. I am so tired of putting on my faces. Why cant I just be me? Soon…soon I will have my money then an apartment then I can go away stay inside do shopping by the damn computer and only come out when I need food…do it late at night as I can so I don’t run into anyone… then then maybe I will be safe. And I wont hurt. And I wont care if I am useless.

Besides who in their right mind would want to put up with someone with my illnesses. If my body doesn’t give out my mind does and I end up here writing trying to figure out what to fuck is going on in my own brain because I cant think inside it so I have to write it and or talk it out to find out whats going on inside. I cant even see inside myself anymore. And this is suppose to be stability? This is suppose to be the good part about the meds… I was much better when I had my head stuck up my ass….then I didn’t care….maybe after I get disability and apartment I will go back on the lithium. Then I can just haze away from all of this…not like I will be missed for long by that many. I will soon be forgotten and be stored as some kind of odd memory in ppl. And they will be thankful I am no longer around to upset the balance.

God I feel like a kid. I miss my mom, my dad, even my real mom and my sisters. They keep on doing things and forgetting to tell me because I am just not family to them. As much as my parents hurt me at least I knew they actually cared in there own way. Ppl only care now because they don’t want me to cause a scene. Or do something to embarrass them…that’s why no one ever takes me anywhere….i always get You’re an adult now. But no one ever treats me like…they just shut me out and up. Guess that’s enough for now…time to get yelled at for being depressive


Written Nov 12th 2005