May 5th 2005

This will never go out to You so I don’t have to worry about what I say but by god I am going to say it. You say I think the world revolves around me well honey I have had a damn good teacher. At least I have never stopped and got off the ride like Your doing. I have never totally withdrawn and stopped interacting with those who care about me even when I wanted to because I knew that I would be hurting others in doing so.

You say I didn’t respect Your privacy. You never told me You needed it until after the damage had been done. Why were You just looking for an excuse to hurt me to end our relationship because of Your fear of intimacy. Did things get to hot for You when You realized that my caring and love came totally unconditional and with no strings and You didn’t have to care about me in return?

And what about my fear of abandonment and Your PROMISE to never do that to me and Your PROMISE to let me know when You needed space before it became an issue. You left me hanging for 3 days, waiting, worrying, and scared to death for Your safety and Your sanity. Do You call that Fair. Do You call that not thinking the world revolves around You.

Though I know You don’t know what Your feelings are for me You have professed to care about me as a friend. Well sweetheart its time You looked up the definition again because You seemed to have forgotten it. I gave to You everything I am in every way I could considering the circumstances. I have listened. I have consoled. I have cheered You on and defended You. And this is what I get from our relationship? Ignored. How can You do this to me?

Knowing what You do about me and my fears. What do You want from me? Do You think I allowed You to pull me out of where I was just because I thought it was a good idea? Because I was board? I did it because I wanted to Please You because I wanted to be with You in any way that I could so if it meant leaving the safety of my insanity I was glad to do it and with bells on. God knows I appreciate all that You have done for me and all that You have gone threw with me and because of me.

But this is unacceptable. You are demonstrating behaviors IE: breaking promises, disappearing without word, etc that are saying that You are not healthy for me. and that just cant be right. You are healthier then I am You are more capable then I am You are more stable then I am so what the hell is going on? Are you trying to push me away. To chase me away the way my last ex did? Are You like He not strong enough to be upfront and honest with me and say look I don’t want You any more I don’t want You around Your not what I want Your not good enough for me….Something????

I am such a monster and such a poison to everything I touch that I don’t even warrant an upfront and honest response from You. I have scarred You and scared You so much that You are incapable of confronting me with any kind of finality to this supposed relationship of ours. I thought we deserved more then to end this way. I thought we had come further then this in 4 years. I wait every night by the phone from 10-11pm just waiting to see if You will call like a stupid like puppy hoping beyond hope that You have decided to grace me with Your presence in my life.

Why is it You supposed dominate types have no fucking balls to say shit? In Your own way Your worse then my last ex. Its been You I have trusted with my soul. You have I trusted not to pull the same shit as everyone has on me. of all the people in my life with You my trust WAS total and had no reason to waiver. You have caused me to doubt my trust in You, my faith in You. My feelings for You I never have nor will I ever doubt that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt and I have known for years. as mad and upset and hurt as I am right now I love You. Its that simple and that complicated. As I have always said and still mean You have no responsibility for my feelings and You have no obligation to feel the same. Maybe that is my fear of intimacy issue. I fall in love with a man who has not the capability nor desire to return my love or anyone else’s for that matter. But love You I do and love You I will no matter what happens. I am just thankful that I am capable of loving as my life has not been one to lead You to believe that I could ever be capable of that emotion. But I am and in spades.

I want to spend my life with You. I want to grow Old with You. And dammit if I was capable of it id even want to have children with You and You are the only person in this world I have ever wanted to have children with and who has made me regret getting fixed. I get angry when I get scared I believe that’s normal and when I get angry I get mean again I do believe that is normal as well. And I will be damned if I will apologize for being normal. I don’t know what You are getting out of this I really don’t. I know Your making it so that I am going to have a hard time trusting You if things don’t change really damn soon. Because I don’t have to take this from You or anyone else.

I was ignored by my last ex. I have been threw this once this life time I don’t want to go threw it again. You make me feel every emotion possible. You make me feel alive. You even make me feel special. YOU not anyone else. I feel like I have been betrayed and it hurts in ways I cant even begin to explain. Stupid isn’t it. I couldn’t care who You fucked when or why. But something as simple as not leaving a note when your going to disappear and I feel like You’ve pull the world out from under me. never before have You broken a promise. Never before have You disregard me to this degree.

GOD I hurt. This Is the first time You have ever hurt me. and I don’t like it. I don’t know if You did it intentionally or not I cant bring myself to believe You could. But I just don’t know what to think or feel anymore. May be some day You will read this maybe You wont. But I just had to write all this down before I went episodic again. You’re the only one in my life that means so much to me that little things You do make me trigger. Its not Your fault its mine I know. But god just a note a small note and this would have never happened. Any of it. Christ almighty would You please call me already its been a fucking week as of 4am this coming morning. I remember believe me I remember the last time we spoke and I am hurting dammit. Stop hurting me. please stop hurting me, just be honest with me for fucks sake. God this isn’t helping at all I am typing and typing and its not stopping the hurt or the ache its not accomplishing anything at all except to let me know I am still not talking to You