Sex or lack there of

God! You don’t know how good it was to speak with You tonight. While you are not my whole world as I have learned not to do that the hard way. You are the only thing that makes sense in my world and You’re the only one who makes my world make sense.

I can talk to 20 different people but no matter what state I am in You’re the one that makes it make sense. I know that probably sounds totally stupid. But I don’t know how else to explain it. Its not co-dependency as that feels different. You like a piece to my puzzle. And I just don’t know how to handle it Yet when that piece is missing. But I will learn how and I will research it and talk to the therapists about it because I will be god damned if I end up chasing You away because I am freaking all the time. Maybe a little separation anxiety there as this has been the longest we have gone without speaking. And no I don’t see You as a parental figure. Your cocks much better then that thing my father use to run around the house dangling.

The depth to which I feel when Your not around scares me. its requiring that I have a trust and a faith are deeper then I have ever given anyone. Honestly I thought I had given them to You already but apparently not as much as I thought and this doesn’t make me happy to realize I still have some unresolved trust and faith issues and that they are spilling over into our relationship. Hell I am getting ready to look for a couples counselor that will do one person. I know it sounds stupid but of all the chances I have had to get things right in my life this is the only one I truly don’t want to fuck up and will do everything in my power not to fuck up.

And the reason I am writing is so I don’t have to say any of this or feel a need to say any of this when we talk again. Unless there is something specifically within this letter that You feel a need to talk about. I guess it boils down to there are finally things in my life that I want to stay there and I am willing to do anything to see that they do. Like college, and a chance to see if we can survive without killing one another. Which just for the record if I haven’t yet said it coherently. It was the 3 day no show no note that triggered me not the rest of them time. All my triggered little mind could think was He broke a promise. He’s never done that before. And it flipped me sideways with everything else that was going on but its still Not an excuse just a reasoning as to how I went nuts. Well more nuts then I already am. Its 5am I am to tired to sleep, to frustrated due to lack of orgasm as i cant event get there on my own. I couldn’t even reach it with him sitting up against me. I am to pathetic for words at times. I cant deal with non dominate males. I just cant. Well any way I have a bitch of a headache as I am trying to quit smoking again don’t know how long that will last. And I am too tired to email this out at the moment so I will do it ether when I wake up, if I fall asleep or some time later when I am in the mood…Hope to speak to You soon and I pray to GOD Your in the mood for phone sex but most likely You wont be *sigh* any way will be wonderful to Your voice again even if all You feel like doing is bitching at me. I will just shut up and savor the sound I have missed for over a week. Take care and talk to You soon. Huggs for when You want them


Written May 9th 2005