April 29th, For the Love of Lithium

I think You hung up on me. Unless I dialed the wrong number or something. Please, please don’t let me make You turn from me. Dear god the thought of not having You in my life is more devastating then anything else that has happened to me in the last few years. I would rather spend more time in jail then make it so You did not wish to speak with me. And I don’t say that lightly as You know.

I don’t know what to think. You normally tell me if Your not going to speak to me. You have never just stopped, never just abandoned me so I am so worried about there being something wrong as well. I am scared right now. Scared You are hurt, Scared that I have done something so irrevocable that I have finally managed to sever our ties to one another.

I am not sure when my feelings for You actually changed. When the grew deeper then for anyone else I have ever known. I know that it scares me. I also know it makes me feel good as well. You have become an integral part of my life and while I know I can live it without You I would really rather not. I also not that it is not my choice but Yours and that its doubtful You really would want to put up with someone as fucked up as I am.

You say with the right meds I will be fine. I hope You are right. I know that sometimes I take for granted what You provide and what You can handle. And if I have been too much pushed to far then I deserve to be pushed away and turned from. I apologize for being blind at times to You and Your needs and being self serving about my own. I have tried very hard to learn all that You have attempted to teach me and I know I am not a very good student at times. I don’t know if I have ever really thanked you for all that You have done for me and put up with from me. But if I haven’t please know that I do thank you and appreciate it more then any words I may say or write.

Last nights writings were suppose to convey just how upset I was at myself for causing You issues I haven’t reread it yet but I do hope that its not why Your unavailable today and I hope even more that it is because otherwise something is wrong on Your side and I don’t know what or to what extent.

So here I sit hoping You are just pissed at me and hoping Your not because I don’t know if Your safe or not and I would rather You be pissed at me then not safe. So please please let me know as soon as You can that Your ok. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on and not go into a full panic worrying about You.