Sleep. It does a body (and a mind) good.

Well I guess we see what a couple days of insomnia can do to a persons mind. Though it shouldn't it still amazes me the difference sleep can bring. You don't even put together the fact that your feeling out of control because you can't sleep and you can't sleep cause your feeling out of control.
I am going to have to put up some kind of reminder to myself that lack of sleep brings out the manic nutcase in me and that I don't realize it.  Its like being submerged into a VR game and not realizing its a game. Not that there is any fun to be had during this kind of drama. Everything becomes compacted and feels like it is imploding in your head. Everything gets tighter and tighter and its like your getting claustrophobic just being in your own body and mind. It gets so intense that you try to gnaw your leg off to get away.
I don't know if it can be really be described in a manor that can be felt by those who don't have these particular types of issues. Its like being terrified of walking out your own door, people who are unaffected by this just can't relate fear and going outside together.
Phobia are just that, unreasonable fear, it doesn't make sense, its very hard to relate to because of its very nature. Here is a test/game for you to try. Take one of your biggest fears, think about it, but only to the point that you feel slightly apprehensive, (don't wig yourself out) Now transfer that feel to your front door. Look at your front door and feel that apprehension and fear. When people like me see that door we feel the same fear that you do when you think of one of your deepest fears.
This also kicks in the flight or fight response as well. For some of us the fight is done with words ether verbally or like with me writing. Writing is the way that I face my fear. I get so very angry as well as scared so by writing I am not actually getting into someone's face and burning bridges and driving away friends and family. Though I do feel exactly how I am writing its more intense then it should be its like the radiance between " OK I am annoyed" and GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE!!!
I don't want the people I love to ever think I am telling them to get out of my life especially if I don't mean it. When having an episode I can be quick to anger but I am just as quick to calm down when I am let to rant. Start fighting with me and I will keep it up until the cows come home.
Anyway just so people know. The family and friends I bitch about I love very much. If I didn't what they did or didn't do wouldn't effect how I felt at all.